Halloweenie
by Shallow Hallow Man
Summary: All chapter are now up. This is the script of a movie I am actually going to film and it parodies: Scream, Halloween, I Know... Last Summer, Urban Legend, Hannibal and many more. Please R & R! (All Writing is Copyright Martin Kick (2002-2005)
1. Scene 1: Daniel's Party

Scene -1: Daniel's Party  
  
We begin this scene with a knife flying up in the air, ready to stab. It comes down to reveal it being held by a boy, Daniel, who's having a birthday party. His mum and dad are there and three friends. Daniel is cutting the cake.  
  
Dad: Happy birthday son. (He looks strangely at the cake) What's in the icing?  
  
Mum: Just flour, eggs and sugar.  
  
Dad: It looks different.  
  
Mum: Well I don't know why. Except I used a different brand of flour.  
  
She hands dad the box. It reads: UNCLE OSAMA'S FLOUR: May contain traces of anthrax.  
  
Dad: I guess it's alright then.  
  
He takes a bite of the cake.  
  
Dad: Oh.  
  
Daniel: Dad?  
  
Dad looks very red and sweaty. (He has a fever) He groans.  
  
Mum: Honey are you alright?  
  
Black lumps appear on his arms.  
  
Daniel: Oh god.  
  
Everyone steps back. Daniel stays seated next to dad. Dad sways some more.  
  
Dad: Ohhhhhhhhhh.  
  
He throws up in Daniel's lap. Everyone screams or shouts.  
  
Daniel: Oh dad! Somebody get a bucket.  
  
He smoothes the spew off his shirt. Dad sways and then throws up onto the birthday cake. The candles go out. We cut to Daniel's room. He is in sleeping clothes. He closes the curtains (window open though) and turns off the light. We see him enter his bed. We zoom out to see Daniel's bedroom window. Underneath it crouching are Daniel's three friends from the party, dressed in black.  
  
Michael: Norman, he asleep yet?  
  
Norman peeks up through the curtains. Norman: Yep.  
  
Drew: Let's go.  
  
They slowly crawl in the window.  
  
Michael: Ssh.  
  
They slowly walk to Daniel's bed.  
  
Drew: Now!  
  
Norman and Michael hold a struggling Daniel down. Drew pulls a Nerd pack out of his pocket. He puts one in his hand. He drops it in Daniel's throat and covers it with duct-tape. They start taking him off the bed. Norman stops.  
  
Norman: Drew.  
  
Drew: Yeh.  
  
Norman: He's not moving.  
  
Michael: What?  
  
They put him back on the bed. They look at him. He has a large lump in his throat.  
  
Michael: Oh my god, he's choked. Look at the lump in his throat.  
  
Drew: That's his Adam's apple. I put a nerd in his throat. To gag him.  
  
Norman: A nerd?  
  
Drew: He was screaming and shouting, I was just trying to make him quiet. And I thought it would be funny.  
  
Michael goes over to the bookshelf.  
  
Michael: Oh no, oh no, oh god. What are we going to do?  
  
Drew: Let's just leave.  
  
Norman: Are you kidding? We're not wearing gloves our fingerprints are all over the place. Our DNA's everywhere. And it didn't help that you peed in the corner Michael.  
  
Michael: I had to go!  
  
Drew: I know, we'll make it look like something worse happened here.  
  
Michael (crying): What do you mean?  
  
Drew: We'll make it look like he was raped.  
  
Norman: What? No one's going to believe that.  
  
Drew: They'll have to believe it, poor innocent Daniel, cutest and most popular guy in the school-Murdered in a horrible and disgusting way, it's everyone's worst nightmare.  
  
Norman: That's so evil or No, my worst nightmare involves strap-ons.  
  
Michael: I don't want anything to do with this.  
  
Drew: Michael! Daniel's lying on that bed, dead, do you have any idea what that means?  
  
Michael: We can keep his bike?  
  
Norman: That is so not funny.  
  
Michael: I'm being serious. You think he'd let me have his stereo?  
  
Norman: No way, I want the stereo.  
  
Drew: Hey, I killed him, I get the stereo.  
  
Michael: Then I want the TV.  
  
Drew: Let's just move him.  
  
Michael: I don't want anything to do with this.  
  
Drew: Look you don't have to be a part of it, me and Norman will do it.  
  
Michael starts looking on the shelves.  
  
Drew: Let's turn him over.  
  
Norman grabs him.  
  
Norman: His leg's so stiff.  
  
Drew: That's not his leg.  
  
Norman: Oh.  
  
Norman pulls away. Michael opens a card.  
  
Card: (Daniel's voice) Ha, ha stop it your killing me!  
  
Drew: Shut up. Michael: It's last year's birthday card. You know one of those one where you record a message on the sound chip.  
  
Inside the card we see a photo of Daniel, Michael, Norman and Drew. Drew is holding a gun to Daniel's head, Norman is standing above with a noose and Michael has a knife next to his face. They are all pulling silly faces. We see tear drops fall onto the card. He closes the card.  
  
Card: Ha, ha, stop it you're killing me!  
  
Michael: It's like he's here, alive in the room with us.  
  
Drew: Michael! We killed Daniel, we killed the teen dream, deal with it!  
  
Michael opens the card.  
  
Card: (Drew's voice) We killed Daniel, we killed the teen dream, deal with it!  
  
Drew: Shut the card.  
  
Card: Shut the card.  
  
Drew: Stop opening the card.  
  
Michael: The card's closed.  
  
Norman: You two shut up. His parents are just downstairs.  
  
Card: You two shut up. His parents are just downstairs.  
  
Norman: Aaargh!  
  
He grabs the card and chucks it out the window.  
  
Card: (Norman's voice) Aaargh!  
  
It lands on the side-walk. A blind guy in glasses comes up.  
  
Blind guy: Hello.  
  
Card: Hello.  
  
Blind guy: Hey baby! Wanna come back to my place?  
  
Back in the house, they are still adjusting Daniel. Michael is at the shelves looking at Daniel's things. He sees a nice-looking gold trophy. He picks it up.  
  
Michael: That looks nice.  
  
He put it in his pocket and we see his pockets full of trophies and other nice items. Norman: Panties on or off?  
  
Drew: On please.  
  
Norman: Ah!  
  
Drew: What?  
  
Norman: I stepped on his hand.  
  
Drew: Norman, he can't feel it, he's dead.  
  
Drew starts jumping on the bed.  
  
Drew: See he's dead Norman, he's fucking dead!  
  
The door bell rings.  
  
Mum (From downstairs): Daniel! Can you get that?  
  
Michael: Oh no!  
  
Norman: Now what are we going to do?  
  
Drew: Just let me get it.  
  
Drew runs down the stairs and opens the door. The killer stabs him in the gut.  
  
Killer: Oh, (pulls out knife) uh-oh, wrong house.  
  
Title card: HALLOWEENIE 


	2. Scene 1: The Intro Scene

Halloweenie. THE FINAL SCRIPT  
  
Scene 1: The Intro Scene  
  
Caption: 29th October 2002.  
  
Caption: Halloweenie House.  
  
Long shot of the house. Belinda Lair is in the kitchen, when the phone rings.  
  
Belinda: Hello.  
  
Killer: Do you like scary movies? Belinda: Nope.  
  
Belinda hangs up as Father Pineto enters with a briefcase.  
  
Father Pineto: Who was that?  
  
Belinda: Just some survey. Hey, I see you finally bought yourself a briefcase to carry all that exorcism junk about.  
  
Father Pineto: Belinda, this junk provides our income.  
  
Belinda: I know, but an Exorcist just doesn't get paid enough.  
  
Father Pineto: Yeah, it's a hard job, putting up with vomit, pee and things with crucifixes I'd rather not talk about. And anyway the suitcase is not mine.  
  
Belinda: Then, whose is it?  
  
Father Pineto: I don't know. I found it near a plane crash in the woods and decided to bring it home.  
  
Belinda: Why? Anything could be inside! A bomb, fake Rollex watches or. money!  
  
Father Pineto: Whoa! Fake Rollex watches.  
  
The front door slowly creaks open and Father Pineto and Belinda look scared. Turns out the wind did it.  
  
Father Pineto: Anyway.  
  
A bang on the window is heard. Father Pineto slowly opens the sliding door and the cat comes running in.  
  
Father Pineto: Oh, kitty. If it's money.  
  
A knife is heard. Father Pineto looks up scared.  
  
Belinda: Sorry, just getting a knife.  
  
Father Pineto looks towards the door again and another knife is heard.  
  
Belinda: Sorry.  
  
Father Pineto: What I've been trying to say is.  
  
Another knife is heard.  
  
Father Pineto: Will you stop doing that?  
  
Belinda: That wasn't me. They both look towards the knife box. The cat is up there.  
  
Father Pineto: Kitty get down.  
  
The cat runs away.  
  
Father Pineto: If money is inside, do we keep it or hand it in?  
  
Belinda: Look we don't know what's inside so let's open it first.  
  
Father Pineto: I can't it's got a password lock.  
  
Belinda: Then we'll pry it open with a crow-bar.  
  
Father Pineto: Alright.  
  
Belinda: Come on.  
  
Father Pineto: Do you have a crow-bar on you?  
  
Belinda: No.  
  
Father Pineto: Well I don't.  
  
Belinda: Let's just try a code.  
  
While they do this the door slowly opens and the killer sneaks in. He tries to close the door gently but accidentally slams it.  
  
Belinda: Just the wind again.  
  
As he tries to sneak around the bench, he trips and falls into the window.  
  
Father Pineto: Just the cat again.  
  
The killer pulls out his knife and a knife sound is heard.  
  
Belinda: Just me again.  
  
Father Pineto: But you're.  
  
The killer leaps up.  
  
Belinda: Oh my god.  
  
Father Pineto: Run!  
  
Belinda starts running up the stairs.  
  
Father Pineto: Not the stairs, the door. Belinda: Oh.  
  
Killer: Women!  
  
Pineto runs into the hallway and the killer follows him. Pineto holds up his holy tick.  
  
Father Pineto: Evil spirit I command you to be gone, evil spirit I command you.  
  
Killer: What the hell?  
  
Father Pineto: It's a holy tick.  
  
Killer: Huh?  
  
Father Pineto: I think they're friendly than crosses.  
  
Killer: Good for you.  
  
The killer stabs him in the gut Father Pineto jumps away in pain and drops his tick. The killer picks up the holy tick.  
  
Killer: Suck tick!  
  
The killer shoves it into his mouth and Pineto chokes. He collapses dead.  
  
Killer: (Grunts)  
  
The killer turns on the outside light and opens the door. Belinda is out there.  
  
Belinda: I forgot my shoes.  
  
She grabs her shoes and then starts running. The killer realizes she is not very smart and starts following her slowly. She comes to a fence and desperately tries to get over it, she tries for about 30 seconds when she realizes the gate is open. She runs all the way around the house and she meets the killer again. She runs back the other way and meets the killer again. Next time the killer has set up a deckchair and is asleep. The killer notices some rope and picks it up. We cut back to Belinda who is running. She stops.  
  
Belinda: Where'd he go?  
  
The camera zooms out from her face and a noose is around her head. The killer pulls the other end of the rope behind the tree. Belinda flies up.  
  
Belinda: Aarrgh! Yeh I can fly!  
  
Killer: What! I'm hanging you.  
  
Belinda: Excuse me.  
  
Killer: I'm killing you.  
  
Belinda: Well, my neck does feel a little sore but you know I have been sleeping badly..  
  
Killer: What? Of course it's sore! You're hanging by it!  
  
Belinda: Look when you've finished with your game of "Hang Man" I'll just go back inside.  
  
Killer: Fine.  
  
The killer pulls the rope harder.  
  
Belinda: Are we finished now?  
  
Killer: No! You're not dead!  
  
Belinda: How long is this going to take? Come on.  
  
Killer: Well you could make it a lot easier by just dying!  
  
Belinda: But I don't want to die! C'mon I'm missing Lethal Confidence.  
  
Killer: I don't give a shit whether you want to die or not. And anyway, Lethal Confidence is crap, it's made by a Mexican, what do you expect?  
  
The killer gives a large pull on the rope and the noose falls on him. He turns around and notices Belinda is gone.  
  
Killer: Oh crap!  
  
The killer rushes inside. Belinda is in the kitchen.  
  
Belinda: Oh, do you knock?  
  
The killer grabs her around the neck and carries her outside, puts her in the noose and pulls the rope.  
  
Belinda: Now what?  
  
Killer: God damn it, I'm hanging you. I'm trying to bloody kill you!  
  
Belinda: Well you're not very good at it.  
  
Killer: Shut up!  
  
The killer is suddenly pulled up into the air. Belinda is pulling the rope.  
  
Killer: Woohoo! Ha ha! Nah. Put me down! Belinda: Okay.  
  
She lets go of the rope and the killer comes crashing down.  
  
Killer: You're dead.  
  
Belinda: Well you'd think so by now but no still breathing.  
  
The killer runs and grabs her and starts rapidly and violently stabbing her.  
  
Killer: Die! Die! Die!  
  
Belinda lies dead on the ground and the killer slowly walks away. She leaps up.  
  
Belinda: Ha, ha.  
  
Killer: Aaargh!  
  
He stabs her one last time.  
  
Killer: Oh. I gotta get a new job.  
  
He walks away and Belinda jumps up.  
  
Belinda: Ha! I'm not dead!  
  
The killer pulls out his knife and throws it at her. She is now dead.  
  
Killer: You are now.  
  
Caption: 2 days later. 


	3. Scene 2: Welcome to Halloweenie House

Scene 2: Welcome to Halloweenie House  
  
Caption: 31st October 2003. Halloweenie.  
  
Sorry Now plays as a car pulls up in the carport. Four kids and a man get out of the car. A montage of them collecting luggage and humourous things happen.  
  
Frank: Okay Jordan. Here's the keys. Now be very careful with my car.  
  
Jordan: Thanks, Frank.  
  
Frank: You can call me dad.  
  
Jordan: But you're not my dad. You're my step-dad and I'd rather call you Frank.  
  
Frank: Whatever's good for you.  
  
Jordan: Alright then. See ya Frank. Frank: And Jordan, don't forget, Mrs. Doubtfrank will be keeping an eye on you.  
  
Jordan: I know.  
  
Frank: Bye.  
  
Frank hops into the car.  
  
Jordan: Frank, I've got the car.  
  
Frank: Ah.  
  
Frank starts walking away.  
  
Eddy: Who's Mrs. Doubtfrank?  
  
Jordan: It's this lady Frank dresses up as to keep an eye on me whenever I'm away from home. He really expects me to believe it's another person but the disguise is so terrible.  
  
Mrs. Doubtfrank: Hello boys.  
  
Jordan: That's her. Hi Mrs. Doubtfrank.  
  
Jordan waves with his rude finger up.  
  
Eddy: Jordan!  
  
Jordan: Don't worry. She's got really bad eyesight.  
  
Eddy: Oh. Hi there, you old bag.  
  
Mrs. Doubtfrank: Oh. You rude little boy!  
  
She storms off angrily.  
  
Jordan: I said eyesight. She's got perfect hearing.  
  
Eddy: Oh.  
  
Eddy and Jordan enter the house. Three other people are also inside. Eddy looks around. Eddy looks disappointed.  
  
Eddy: Why'd you have to invite them Jordan, wouldn't it have been much more fun just you, me, a tub of lubrication cream.  
  
Eddy starts rubbing Jordan's arm.  
  
Jordan: No. I don't think so Eddy.  
  
Jordan removes Eddy's arm.  
  
John: Don't worry Edsy I'm sure we'll have a fright of a time.  
  
John starts laughing hysterically the others look far from amused.  
  
Jordan: Yeh. Now some of you have not met before. Eddy you already know John. This is Lannibal Hecter.  
  
Lannibal: Hello, Eddy. (He sniffs) You use Evian skin cream, and sometimes you wear L'Air du Temps, but not today, that's a girl's perfume.  
  
Eddy: Men can use it too.  
  
Jordan: And this is Phoebe Crookednose.  
  
Phoebe: But you can all call me The Charmed one.  
  
John: More like the can't be darned one. (He laughs)  
  
Lannibal: What?  
  
Jordan: Great. Now that we're all acquainted. I'll begin the tour.  
  
They all enter the lounge room. In there all the furniture is covered with white sheets.  
  
Jordan: Yes, this is the lounge room.  
  
John: Looks like somebody's been doing some painting! (Only he laughs)  
  
They all leave the lounge room and enter the dining room.  
  
Jordan: This is the dining room, there's the kitchen and there's the TV room. Oh and watch out for spider webs.  
  
John: Spider webs! I wouldn't want to get all tied up in one of those!  
  
John starts laughing. No one else does.  
  
Phoebe: This house looks so old. Like it hasn't been touched for years.  
  
Jordan: Well not years but quite a while.  
  
Eddy: How long?  
  
Jordan: 2 days.  
  
John: 2 days more like 2 centuries!  
  
Jordan: No (He slaps John) 2 days. John slaps him back and they start slapping each other like sissys. Lannibal meows.  
  
Jordan: Now follow me upstairs.  
  
Cut to them upstairs. Jordan is counting the beds.  
  
Jordan: 1, 2, 3 ,4. 4 beds.  
  
Eddy: Don't worry Jordan I don't mind sharing.  
  
Jordan: Ah, no that won't be necessary. I think there's a spare bed in one of the cupboards.  
  
Eddy: It was just a suggestion.  
  
Jordan: Yes, and I don't think I like what you were suggesting.  
  
Eddy: What? Oh! God no. Not that! I didn't mean it like that.  
  
John: It seems like Eddy's finally coming out of the closet.  
  
Everybody laughs except Eddy.  
  
Jordan: That was a good one Johnny.  
  
John: All my jokes are good.  
  
Jordan: Right.  
  
Suddenly John freezes.  
  
Jordan: John. (Waves hand in face) Are you alright?  
  
John unfreezes.  
  
Jordan: Are you okay John?  
  
John: What are you talking about? I'm fine.  
  
He freezes again.  
  
Eddy: It's her!  
  
Jordan: Phoebe did you freeze him?  
  
Phoebe: Yeah like I said I'm a Charmed one. A witch.  
  
John unfrozen: Witch? More like bitch.  
  
Phoebe waves her arm and John goes flying hard into a wall. Jordan to Phoebe: Feel free to do that any time you want.  
  
John: Oh. You guys are all freaks.  
  
Jordan: Hmmm. I don't think we have to worry about the bed problem anymore. One of us is sleeping outside.  
  
They all turn to John.  
  
John: Who?  
  
Cut to a window which shows John lying in the dog kennel. Phoebe, Eddy and Lannibal are looking out the window while drinking. Jordan enters.  
  
Jordan: Lunch is served.  
  
He reveals a roast chicken.  
  
Lannibal: Mmmm. White meat!  
  
Lannibal rips off a drumstick and starts gnawing away on it. In a matter of seconds he is finished. He opens the window and chucks the bone outside. John pounces on it and goes inside his kennel to chew it.  
  
Phoebe: Why'd you invite John anyway?  
  
Jordan: Mum insisted I have him since I've known him since pre-school. It's not fair because I never liked him.  
  
John: I heard that.  
  
Jordan: I wanted you to hear it.  
  
The doorbell rings. Jordan goes to answer it. It is Mrs. Doubtfrank.  
  
Jordan: Mrs. Doubtfrank. What a pleasant surprise!  
  
Mrs. Doubtfrank: Really?  
  
Jordan: No!  
  
Eddy: Mrs. Doubtfrank I'm sorry for that remark I made earlier. It was a misunderstanding. You see I thought you were hard of hearing. So what I'm saying is. cookies!  
  
Mrs. Doubtfrank: Yes. I brought them over just for you, my own special Kitty Litter cookies. Extra clumpy.  
  
The kids all look slightly disgusted. She hands Jordan a plate of cookies.  
  
Jordan: Thanks.  
  
Mrs. Doubtfrank: Just enjoy yourselves boys.  
  
Phoebes steps forward.  
  
Mrs. Doubtfrank: Oh and you too honey. Don't you have any female friends?  
  
Phoebe looks angry waves her hand and the door slams shut on Mrs. Doubtfrank.  
  
Phoebe: That got rid of her.  
  
Mrs. Doubtfrank: Actually I'm still here!  
  
Jordan: Cookies in the bin. Mud cake for us.  
  
He takes a mud cake out of the pantry. Everyone grabs a slice. Except Lannibal.  
  
Lannibal: I don't like sweets. I think I'll just finish off the chicken.  
  
Jordan: The chicken's already finished.  
  
Lannibal: Don't worry I brought my own.  
  
He pulls a chicken out of his backpack and starts eating. Eddy goes to the TV room.  
  
Eddy: Well, I'm full, what's on TV? Hey, we got the Adults Only channel!  
  
Jordan: Really? Yes!  
  
They all start cheering. Phoebe looks annoyed.  
  
Eddy: Woo-hoo!  
  
Lannibal: Boneriffic! 


	4. Scene 3: BADMOVIE Studios

Scene 3: BADMOVIE STUDIOS.  
  
Cut to a different house. Sign outside reads: BADMOVIE STUDIOS. We cut to inside, two men named Ass and Ex are there. Ass is tying up his shoes, Ex is going through some papers.  
  
Ass: (Tying up shoes) The rabbit dives through the hole, then does the loop- the-loop then ah, the rabbit ah, screw it. Come on she's going to be here in a minute.  
  
Ex: Alright. Keep your pants on.  
  
Ass: (Halfway through taking off pants) Oh, okay.  
  
He pulls them back up. The doorbell rings. Ass and Ex: I'll get it.  
  
They both race to the door. When they get there, another man called Scott is already there talking to Rebecca. Ass shoves him down the stairs to the door.  
  
Ass: Hi.  
  
Ex: Hi.  
  
Rebecca: Hi, I'm Rebecca Watts.  
  
Ex: I'm Ex, as in Executive Producer.  
  
Ass: And I'm Ass.  
  
Ex: As in wipe.  
  
Ass: No. As in Associate Director.  
  
Ex: Come on in.  
  
Rebecca: Thank you.  
  
She comes in and they close the door behind her.  
  
Rebecca: Now, this is just for a small news story in the paper. I'll ask you some questions, take some photos and tape it all onto this cassette. Okay.  
  
Ass and Ex: Yep, ok.  
  
Rebecca: Alright then, to begin with what movie are you working on right now?  
  
Ass: A movie called "Hurt". It's about a psycho killer who's after these kids trapped in a haunted house  
  
Ex: It's screening tomorrow night on the BMC.  
  
Rebecca: So it's all finished and ready?  
  
Ass: No. We haven't even started filming.  
  
Rebecca: How do you expect to finish it on time?  
  
Ex: Ah, we've got over 24 hours. I think we'll have it finished.  
  
Ass: Stupid.  
  
Rebecca: Okay and who's in it?  
  
Ass: Gwyneth Doberman, Brendan and Leeroy, and ah. Ex: Jenny.  
  
Ass: Yeh, Jennifer Campbell and that other guy Mark.  
  
Ex: Just wait a sec.  
  
Ex gets up, he comes back with Jenny, Mark and Gwyneth.  
  
Jenny: What?  
  
Ex: This is Jenny, Mark and Gwyneth.  
  
They all say hi.  
  
Rebecca: Isn't Gwyneth a girl's name?  
  
Gwyneth: No. It's a man's name. That Gwyneth Paltrow used it and become famous so now everyone thinks it's a girls name. Just like Cameron Diaz. I mean Cameron! And Drew Barrymore.  
  
Ass: Yes thank you Gwyneth.  
  
Gwyneth: And Shane Gould.  
  
Ass: Goodbye Gwyneth.  
  
Gwyneth walks off mumbling.  
  
Gwyneth: Girl's name my ass!  
  
Mark: You want us for anything?  
  
Ex: Yeh, get me a cup of coffee.  
  
Mark: Get Scott to do it.  
  
They leave.  
  
Ex: Hey Scott!  
  
The geeky guy who was at the door comes running. He has a lisp.  
  
Scott: What?  
  
Ex: Get us and the lady a cup of coffee.  
  
Scott: Yeth, Ecth.  
  
Ass: We hired him 'cause he has a lisp.  
  
Ex: Yeah the last guy we had, had a stutter, but we had to fire him because he got better.  
  
Rebecca: And what does Scott do?  
  
Ass: He's the ah, um.  
  
Scott: Prompter.  
  
Ass: Prompter.  
  
Rebecca: And who's that?  
  
We see another man.  
  
Ex: That's Billy. He's another actor. But he's mainly the editor so we don't usually see much of him.  
  
Ass: Oi! Billy! Get back in your cell. I mean editing room, yes editing room.  
  
Rebecca: Oh my god!  
  
Ass: What?  
  
Rebecca: What's he doing?  
  
We see another man holding a knife in front of his stomach.  
  
Stephen: On three. One, two, thr.  
  
Ex: Stephen!  
  
Stephen drops the knife in surprise.  
  
Ex: We want to show the lady a stunt, so go set up outside.  
  
Stephen: Oh.  
  
He walks out annoyed. We cut to the three of them outside and Stephen.  
  
Ex: This is our stunt-double Stephen Bradley. He does most of the stunts in all of our films. And we've got him to perform a special stunt just for you. Stephen.  
  
Stephen: Ah yeh. I'm going to roll down this driveway on my board, onto the ramp, do a flip in the air and land on the shed roof on such an angle so that I'm balanced in the middle of it.  
  
Ass: Okay then. Get to it.  
  
Stephen: Right. (He starts to pray) Dear Lord, Kill me. Amen. Here goes nothing. He stamps his foot down on the board as to pass it up to himself but he stamps to hard and it flies up into the sky and disappears. Rebecca, Ass and Ex all look disappointed. They start to walk inside.  
  
Ass: Nice going fuckwit.  
  
Back inside.  
  
Ex: Max!  
  
Max: Yeh.  
  
Ass: You gotta do a bit of an interview for the paper.  
  
Max: No, no, no.  
  
Ass: This is our cameraman Max.  
  
Rebecca: Ah.  
  
She pulls out a camera to take a picture. He jumps back.  
  
Max: Holy crap, get it away from me!  
  
Rebecca: What?  
  
Ex: Put the camera away.  
  
She puts the camera away. Max storms off.  
  
Max: Dang, now I'm all messed up.  
  
Rebecca: Your cameraman is camera-shy?  
  
Ex: Yeh he only likes his camera. He's sort of scared of other cameras.  
  
He walks away from her. We cut to a room where another man is. They are watching him.  
  
Ass: That's Brendan and Leeroy. He's our prized actor.  
  
Rebecca: Brendan and Leeroy, I only see one.  
  
Ex: Yeh they are only one. Brendan's got multiple personalities.  
  
Rebecca: What is one of them evil or something?  
  
Ex: (Laughing) No. You've been watching too many movies.  
  
Ass: But one of them thinks they're black. Ex: Brendan?  
  
Brendan: Yeh.  
  
Ex: We want to talk to Leeroy now.  
  
Brendan makes queer face movements.  
  
Ex: Yo dawg?  
  
Leeroy: Yo Ex, was goin on, on your side?  
  
Ex: Nothin' much, just hangin'. Leeroy this is Rebecca.  
  
Rebecca: Hi.  
  
Leeroy: Yo bitch.  
  
Rebecca: I don't like to be called bitch.  
  
Leeroy: No, you see, by bitch, I meant slut.  
  
Ex: See, we're the first film company to hire an actor with multiple personalities.  
  
Rebecca: I wonder why, I mean he's only mentally ill.  
  
Jenny comes running up to them.  
  
Jennifer: Who do I play in this movie ah Hurt?  
  
Ass: Jennifer, you play the girl.  
  
Jennifer: Great, I'm typecast to that role.  
  
Ex: Yeah also in Hurt, we've got a cameo from a famous sports star.  
  
Rebecca: Who?  
  
Ex: That's a secret.  
  
Ass: But we will tell you that his famous and he plays sport.  
  
Rebecca: (Sarcastic) Thanks I never would have guessed that.  
  
Cut to them outside on the balcony.  
  
Ass: And finally, our lovely view. Oh someone left the ladder and paint here again. Grab the paint Ex.  
  
Ex moves away from them to get the paint and Ass grabs the ladder. Ass: I'm always telling Scott to put away the equipment away when he's finished.  
  
He turns holding the ladder and Rebecca is knocked off the balcony, screaming.  
  
Ass: But. Hey? Where'd she go?  
  
Ex: I guess she left. Jeez. How rude!  
  
We see her lying on the cement under the balcony. Cut to Max.  
  
Max to Scott: Scott I feel like a cuppa coffee.  
  
Scott: Get it yourself. I'm not your thervent.  
  
Max: I said get me a cup of coffee!  
  
Scott: Okay.  
  
Scott bolts off. Ass find some mail on a desk.  
  
Ass: Ah, one for me and one in the bin. (It was for Scott. D.)  
  
Note: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SEASON AFTER SPRING!  
  
Ass: Ex, I think you'd better come here.  
  
Ex: What is it?  
  
Ass: Look.  
  
Ass passes the letter to Ex.  
  
Ex: So?  
  
Ass: Don't you remember what we did last season after Spring.  
  
Ex: Ah. No.  
  
Ass: Ex, we killed somebody.  
  
Ex: We did?  
  
Ass: Don't you remember? It all began at your house. 


	5. Scene 4: The Car Accident

Scene 4: The Car Accident.  
  
Flashback begins. (At night) Ex exits his house and looks around outside.  
  
Ass: 'ey, give me the keys.  
  
Ex: No.  
  
Ass: Come on Ex you're drunk.  
  
Ex: So are you.  
  
Ass: Not as much as you.  
  
Ex: Hey dude, nobody drives my car but me! Well, except for that big black guy that car jacked me last month, he drove it, but other than that, nobody drives my car but me. Okay, there was that one time the dope man had it for a week because I owed him for a bag of weed, but other than that.  
  
Ass grabs the keys off him and hops into the driver's seat, Ex gets in the passenger seat. Ass starts up the car and loud, rock, music starts. Ex pulls out some beers out of no where and tries to go through the sun roof. He hits his head hard.  
  
Ex: Ow! I really need to get a sun roof.  
  
Ass starts to back out of the driveway. There is a huge smash and something hits the back window of the car. Ass quickly puts on the brakes.  
  
Ex: What was that?  
  
Ass: I think we hit something.  
  
Ex: Must have been a dog.  
  
Ass and Ex get out of the car each holding a torch. They look around for a while.  
  
Ex: Oh my god!  
  
He runs towards something and picks it up.  
  
Ex: A boot!  
  
Ass: No. There is no way.  
  
Ex shines his light on something else.  
  
Ex: And there's the other one.  
  
Ass: And there's some socks.  
  
Ex: And there's a T-shirt.  
  
Ass: And there's a jumper.  
  
Ex: And there's some pants.  
  
Ass: And there's some boxer shorts.  
  
Ex: Aw, dude!  
  
We see from behind a man's bare back and head. But nothing lower.  
  
Ex: He's nude!  
  
Ass: Oh! (He turns his head one way) Wow, I didn't realize it was that cold out here.  
  
Ex and Ass start laughing quietly. They suddenly stop.  
  
Ass: Do you think he's dead?  
  
Ex: I don't know.  
  
Ass: Then check his pulse.  
  
Ex: No you're the one who rammed him.  
  
Ass: I don't want to go near him.  
  
Ex: Why? Because he's dead?  
  
Ass: No. He's naked!  
  
Ex: Look before we decide what to do let's put his clothes back on. Okay.  
  
Ass: Okay, but I'm doing the top.  
  
Ex: Oh.  
  
We cut back to them. The dead body is now clothed.  
  
Ass: What should we do with him?  
  
Ex: Let's just leave him here. Drive away now.  
  
Ass: Dude, his blood's all over the car. If there's some of him on the car, there's some of the car on him. They'll trace us. We're looking at a hit and run.  
  
Ex: Then let's just change our names, sell the car, fly to Hawaii and live out the rest of our lives in hiding.  
  
Ass: Well, it's an option. But can we afford it?  
  
Ex: No. No. But we could rob a bank.  
  
Ass: Okay, this is getting a bit complicated now. Let's just dump the body somewhere. Ex: How about Hawaii?  
  
Ass: No. We'll just throw him in the creek down the road.  
  
Ex: Good idea. Then we'll go to Hawaii.  
  
Ass: Oh. Come on lets get him in the boot.  
  
They pick up the body.  
  
Ex: Jeez he's heavy.  
  
Ex drops his half. The dead guy's head is dragging across the ground.  
  
Ex: Oh whoops. I'll.  
  
Ass: Just let me do it. Okay.  
  
Ex: Sorry.  
  
Ass chucks him in the boot and shuts it.  
  
Ass: Let's go.  
  
They get back in the car. Ass starts it up and rolls down the driveway. He backs up a bit and there is another loud smash and something hits the back window again.  
  
Ass: What was that?  
  
Ex: Don't worry, it was. someone else hitting something.  
  
Ass gets out of the car.  
  
Ass: Damn it!  
  
There is another body on the road.  
  
Ex: Is it clothed?  
  
Ass: Yes. And I think it's a girl this time.  
  
Ex: Ass! Not again.  
  
Ass: Shut up. Alright. You're not helping.  
  
Ex: Let's just get her in the boot.  
  
They pick her up and put her in the boot as well. They hop back in the car. Ass starts it up again and drives forward. Something hits the front window. Ass puts the brakes on. Ex jumps out of the car. Ex: Yep. Another one.  
  
Ass drops his head onto the horn and it starts honking.  
  
Ex: Tonight's just not your lucky night is it?  
  
Ass and Ex walk over to the body. Ex notices something.  
  
Ex: Hey look a cat. You wanna go run that over too?  
  
Ass: Shut up.  
  
They put the body in the boot.  
  
Ex: My the boot looks pretty full. I hope you don't hit another one or we'll have to start putting them on the backseat!  
  
Ass slams the boot angrily.  
  
Ex: What?  
  
Ass starts up the car and drives forward slowly.  
  
Ex: Watch out!  
  
Ass slams his foot on the brakes.  
  
Ex: Just kidding.  
  
Ass smacks Ex very hard across the head.  
  
Ex: Ow!  
  
We cut to Ass and Ex getting out of the car. They step onto the bank of the creek. The camera pans across a sign which reads "Dawson's Creek".  
  
Ass: Do you see anybody?  
  
Ex: No.  
  
Ass: Let's just get this over and done with then.  
  
Ass opens the boot.  
  
Ass: Whoa. Hang on there's only two bodies in here.  
  
Ex: Yeah.  
  
Ass: Didn't we have three?  
  
Ex: I don't know. I wasn't counting.  
  
Ass: I'm sure we did. But where?  
  
Ex: Who cares? That's just one less body to worry about.  
  
Ass: I guess.  
  
Ex: It's just like they say "Two bodies are better than three".  
  
Ass: Yeah. Wait. I've never heard that before.  
  
Ex: Come on let's dump these guys.  
  
They begin to pick up the top body.  
  
Max: Hey, yo!  
  
Ex: Pardon.  
  
Ass: That wasn't me.  
  
A figure starts to come close to the car.  
  
Ex: Oh my god. Someone's coming! It's Max!  
  
Ass: Quick, close the boot.  
  
Max: Hey guys!  
  
Max comes running up and Ex slams the boot shut on Ass's hand. Ass looks like he's in a lot of pain.  
  
Ass: (Through grit teeth): Ex, Ex, my han.  
  
Ex: Ssh.  
  
Max: Hey guys, Whaddup!  
  
Ex: You know the usually driving around, stopping at the creek, dumping bodies.  
  
Ass: Getting your hand squashed in the car boot.  
  
Ex: What? So Max what are you doing here?  
  
Max: I'm walking home, I live just up the street.  
  
Ass: Ex.  
  
Ex: What? Ass: My hand.  
  
Ex: Yeh, it's safe man.  
  
Ex lifts up Ass's other hand.  
  
Ex: So Max.  
  
Max: Yeh?  
  
Ex: Planning on going home now.  
  
Max: No. I thought I'd hang with you guys. If that's cool with you.  
  
Ass: Ex, pass me the keys.  
  
Ex: Here.  
  
Ex passes him the keys. Ass unlocks the boot.  
  
Ex: No, Ass.  
  
Ass throws opens the boot. Max looks in.  
  
Max: Aaargh!  
  
Ex: Max, it's not what it looks like.  
  
Max: You sickos!  
  
Ass: Max, it's nothing.  
  
Max: I don't see nothing. I see, I see. A camera!  
  
Ex: Oh it's true, it's true but it was an accident. An accident! A camera?  
  
Max: Yes a camera. You two are filming me, aren't you? Aren't you? This is for candid camera or something! Well I won't let you I'm taking that camera and leaving.  
  
Max grabs the camera and runs off.  
  
Ex: But Max, what about the dead people?  
  
Ass: Shut up.  
  
Max: What dead people?  
  
Ex: Dead people? Who mentioned dead people? I didn't mention dead people.  
  
Ass smacks Ex across the head harder this time. Ex: What's that for?  
  
Ass: For jamming my hand in the boot!  
  
Ex: When?  
  
Ass: When? Oh forget it. Let's dump these bodies and go home.  
  
They start to pick up the body again. Many voices are heard.  
  
Ass: Oh no! Who is it this time?  
  
Ex: I don't know but there's two of 'em. And they're walking faster.  
  
Ass: I'll put the body back in, you get rid of them.  
  
Ex: Too late. I'll close the boot.  
  
Ass has his head in the boot.  
  
Ass: Noooo!  
  
Ex slams the boot shut on Ass's head.  
  
Ass: (Muffled) Ow!  
  
Ex: Hi guys.  
  
It is Mark and Gwyneth.  
  
Mark: Hey.  
  
Ex: What are you doing out here?  
  
Gwyneth: Going home to my husband. I mean wife, wife.  
  
Ex: Cool. What ya'll doing tonight?  
  
Gwyneth: Doing the housework, talking on the phone, trying out some new dresses, the usual.  
  
Ex: Yeah.  
  
Mark: Hey Ex, you found a new prompter yet?  
  
Ex: Na. I can't believe Steve's gone. I mean he got over his stutter so we had to fire him, I mean that was the only reason we hired him. And he knew that. But don't worry we'll find somebody. Won't we Ass?  
  
Ass: Ow! Ex: Oh crap! Well we've got to go now, so please be on your way.  
  
Mark: Alright then see ya.  
  
Mark and Gwyneth leave. Ex quickly opens up the boot. Ass looks angry as hell.  
  
Ex: Ass, I'm sorry man.  
  
Ass smacks him across the head twice and kicks him onto the ground.  
  
Ass: Stupid idiot. Get up. We're dumping the bodies now.  
  
They pick up the first body.  
  
Ass: On the count of three chuck him in. 1, 2.  
  
Ex lets go and Ass is pulled into the water.  
  
Ass: (Getting out of the creek) I said on the count of three, not before three, not after three, on three! Now get me out.  
  
Ex pulls Ass out and they grab the other body.  
  
Ass: Now on three. 1, 2, 3.  
  
Ass lets go but Ex doesn't and is pulled into the water.  
  
Ass: You stupid.  
  
Ex gets out.  
  
Ass: Let's make a pact right now, that we never ever talk of this again. Agreed?  
  
Ex: Agreed.  
  
Dead body in water: Agreed.  
  
Ass: Good.  
  
End of flashback.  
  
Ex: Now I remember. Hey you broke the pact!  
  
Ass: Who cares about that? Someone knows. And it could be anyone.  
  
Ex: What about Max?  
  
Ass: Max. Na. He's too nice.  
  
Max to Scott: I wanted warm coffee not boiling hot coffee. You stupid boy. He chucks the coffee all over Scott's front.  
  
Ex: Anyway don't worry about it. It's probably just a prank.  
  
Ass: Yeh. 


	6. Scene 5: John Simmons: Gone and Quickly ...

Scene 5: John Simmons: Gone and Quickly Forgotten.  
  
Cut to outside shot of the Halloweenie House. (It is now nearly sunset)  
  
Eddy: Hey, Jeopardy's on.  
  
Inside Jordan, Phoebe and Eddy are still watching TV.  
  
Host on TV: Angry jackass.  
  
Contestant: Ah, what is Russel Crowe?  
  
Host: Correct.  
  
The phone rings. Lannibal walks to the phone and answers it.  
  
Lannibal: Hello.  
  
Killer: Hello.  
  
Lannibal: Who is this?  
  
Killer: You tell me your name and I'll tell you mine.  
  
Lannibal: I'm Lannibal Hecter, who is this?  
  
Killer: Oh. Ah. What's that popping noise?  
  
Lannibal: I'm making popcorn. I'm about to watch a movie.  
  
Killer: Do you like movies?  
  
Lannibal: (Getting angry) I don't like being questioned. A census taker tried to test me once. I ate his liver with some favor beans and a nice Chianti.  
  
Killer: Do you want one of your friends to die?  
  
Lannibal: Who?  
  
Killer: John.  
  
Lannibal: Oh. John. No I don't mind.  
  
Killer: What? I'm going to kill John right now. Lannibal: Okay. Bye, bye.  
  
Jordan: Who was that?  
  
Lannibal: Nothin' important, just some guy saying he was about to kill John.  
  
Jordan: Oh ok.  
  
We cut to John outside out the window.  
  
John: Guys can I come back inside now?  
  
Jordan: No.  
  
John: Then can I please have a pillow? Please?  
  
He lifts his hands pleading.  
  
Jordan: No. I don't think so.  
  
There is a cracking noise heard. John goes to a corner of the house to investigate.  
  
John: Aaaargh!  
  
Everyone leaps away from the TV room and hurries to the window. John is pulled forward by the killer. He brutally starts killing John.  
  
Jordan: Oh my god he's being killed.  
  
Eddy: Ah well, never did like him.  
  
Phoebe: Guys, we have to save him.  
  
Eddy: Why?  
  
Jordan: No. She's right, come on.  
  
Lannibal starts trying to break the window.  
  
Jordan: Don't waste your strength it's bullet-proof glass.  
  
Lannibal: Why have you got bullet-proof glass in the kitchen?  
  
Jordan: My cousin Belinda and some priest guy had it put in after their first run-in with the killer.  
  
Eddy: What, you mean the killer's been here before?  
  
Jordan: Yeah. About three times. What? At least I'm trying to make a plot.  
  
Phoebe: Hurry he's killing him.  
  
John has blood on his face and he desperately is trying to get away from the killer.  
  
Jordan: The back door!  
  
Lannibal: Quick!  
  
Jordan and Lannibal run upstairs. Phoebe and Eddy watch through the window. John's legs are still. The killer waves. Eddy now is sitting down and eating popcorn at the window.  
  
Phoebe: No!  
  
Phoebe stands in front of Eddy.  
  
Eddy: Down in front!  
  
John's body is dragged away.  
  
Eddy: That was good. What's next?  
  
Lannibal and Jordan come running down the stairs.  
  
Jordan: We couldn't find the key for the door.  
  
Eddy stands up and a key falls out of his pocket. Lannibal picks it up.  
  
Lannibal: The key.  
  
Jordan: Eddy.  
  
Eddy: Hey I found that when we came in. I, I forgot all about it.  
  
Phoebe: Come on, lets get to him. Before it's too late.  
  
They all rush upstairs. Jordan starts trying to open the door.  
  
Lannibal: Okay, if we find his dead body I suggest we take him back inside, chop him up and have him for dinner.  
  
Everyone stares at him with their mouths wide-open.  
  
Lannibal: Does anyone have a better idea?  
  
Jordan: We call the police.  
  
Lannibal: No. I mean on what to have for dinner.  
  
Phoebe: I thought we were having pizza. Lannibal: Eating John is cheaper than pizza.  
  
Eddy: You're a cannibal!  
  
Lannibal: No I'm not. I'm just trying to save money. Is that being a cannibal?  
  
Eddy: If it involves eating someone. Yeh.  
  
Phoebe: Will you hurry up with the door?  
  
Jordan: I'm trying.  
  
The door finally opens.  
  
Jordan: Ah..  
  
They all rush to where the body was. Suddenly Phoebe closes her eyes. Camera zooms in on her.  
  
Jordan: Phoebe, are you okay?  
  
Phoebe: I just had a premonition!  
  
Eddy: What did you see?  
  
Phoebe: John being killed.  
  
Eddy: Great! That is so helpful, we're lucky to have a witch here.  
  
Phoebe: Yeah, well I only have premonitions of the past.  
  
Eddy: What's the point of that?  
  
Phoebe: I don't know.  
  
Jordan: Guys, guys. The body's gone!  
  
Lannibal: Damn. Looks like we'll have to have pizza.  
  
Phoebe: There's only some blood. I don't get it.  
  
Lannibal: Oh god. I just realized. Anyone of us could be next!  
  
Eddy: That's it. I'm leaving.  
  
Phoebe: Me too.  
  
Eddy, Phoebe and Lannibal starts to leave. In the hallway.  
  
Jordan: Guys, you can't leave. Eddy: Why not?  
  
Jordan: Listen I don't know if it matters to you but when I'm older I want to be able to say "I was brave, I spent a night in the Halloweenie House and survived." I want.  
  
Eddy: Whoa, whoa. Wait. This is Halloweenie House? Where all those people died?  
  
Jordan: That's right. I inherited this house from my cousin who died here two days ago. So are you going to stay?  
  
Eddy, Phoebe and Lannibal: No.  
  
They all start to leave.  
  
Jordan: Alright, I'll pay you.  
  
Eddy: You're trying to get us to risk our lives for money? How much?  
  
Jordan: 50 thousand each.  
  
Eddy: Ah, come on guys.  
  
Jordan: 100 thousand?  
  
Phoebe: Let's go.  
  
Eddy: Listen Jordan, nothing would make me spend a night here!  
  
Jordan: I'll give you ten million dollars.  
  
Eddy: Ok.  
  
Jordan: Good. I'll give it to you tomorrow.  
  
Phoebe: Hey, why tomorrow?  
  
Jordan: In case you die tonight.  
  
Phoebe: Oh.  
  
Lannibal: Now lets get some dinner.  
  
Phoebe: I'll order.  
  
Eddy: I'm going.  
  
Lannibal: Me too.  
  
Jordan chucks the keys to Eddy. Eddy drops them. Phoebe picks up the phone and dials. 


	7. Scene 6: Getting Pizza

Scene 6: Getting Pizza/Phoebe Drowns (Almost)  
  
Phoebe: Yes four large, so what do you guys want on your pizza?  
  
Eddy: Mexicana.  
  
Jordan: Capricoisa.  
  
Lannibal: Human.  
  
Everyone looks at him.  
  
Lannibal: What? Oh that's right they don't do human anymore. Meatlovers then.  
  
Lannibal and Eddy start to leave. Lannibal grabs the keys from Eddy.  
  
Lannibal: I'm driving.  
  
As they Exit, Jordan follows them outside. Lannibal starts up the car.  
  
Jordan: Whoa. Wait a minute.  
  
Eddy: What?  
  
Jordan: I need to check that back tire.  
  
Jordan's goes round and kicks the back tire very hard. He hurts his foot.  
  
Jordan: Yep. I think it has enough air in it.  
  
Jordan runs back to the car. He glances in the back window. The killer is lying down in there.  
  
Jordan: Oh oh.  
  
Lannibal: Is everything okay?  
  
Jordan: Guys I think you'd better hop out of the car.  
  
Eddy: What for?  
  
Jordan: There's.  
  
The windows of the car roll up.  
  
Eddy: What are you doing?  
  
Lannibal: I'm not doing anything!  
  
Eddy: (Shouting) We'll talk when we get back. Jordan: (Shouting) No! Eddy! There's someone in the back seat! There's someone in the back seat!  
  
Eddy: Alright. Go.  
  
The roll out of the driveway.  
  
Jordan: (Shouting): Where are you going?  
  
They don't hear him.  
  
Lannibal: What was he saying anyway?  
  
Eddy: Something about the cup holders?  
  
Lannibal: What cup holders?  
  
They shrug. Cut back to Jordan.  
  
Jordan: Idiots!  
  
Jordan starts walking upstairs.  
  
Jordan: Phoebe, what are you doing?  
  
We see the killer grab Phoebe and puts a cloth with muscle-numbing poison over her face. She makes muffled screaming noises.  
  
Jordan: Alright, I won't disturb you. I'll be downstairs.  
  
We see her push the killer away and try to crawl away, but her legs have gone numb.  
  
Lannibal: So then I was all like "I'm gonna eat your wife" and he.  
  
Eddy: Hey. What's this thing?  
  
Eddy picks up a rectangular box at his feet.  
  
Lannibal: I don't know just chuck it in the back.  
  
The killer gets up from the backseat and is about to leap into the front. Eddy chucks the box behind him and it whacks the killer in the head knocking him down.  
  
Eddy: And another one.  
  
Lannibal: Just chuck it behind you.  
  
Eddy chucks it behind him again knocking out the killer. When Eddy looks back at Lannibal his is combing his hair in the rear-vision mirror.  
  
Eddy: Old lady on the road!  
  
Lannibal quickly turns and a thump is heard.  
  
Lannibal: Got her!  
  
Eddy has his mouth wide-open in shock.  
  
Eddy: Little boy on bike!  
  
Lannibal: I see him!  
  
Lannibal starts to speed up.  
  
Eddy: No!  
  
Eddy grabs for something. Lannibal puts his foot on the brakes. They look at each other.  
  
Lannibal: That long, hard thing you're holding.  
  
Eddy: Yeah.  
  
Lannibal: (Gulp) That's not the hand brake.  
  
Eddy starts to look worried.  
  
Lannibal: It's the gear lever!  
  
It is revealed that Eddy has grabbed the gear lever.  
  
Lannibal: You put it in Neutral.  
  
Eddy: Oh.  
  
Lannibal: You don't know much about cars do you?  
  
Eddy: No.  
  
Lannibal: Hey what's that down there?  
  
Eddy: What?  
  
Eddy looks down. Lannibal puts his foot on the accelerator. A boy's scream is heard and a tricycle goes flying past the window.  
  
Lannibal: Ha, ha, ha.  
  
Cut to upstairs of Halloweenie House. Phoebe is put in a bathtub by the killer, unable to move. The killer turns on the taps and leaves. Phoebe tries to scream but she can't. She manages to move a finger. She can also manage to move one foot. After a lot of trying she pulls out the plug with her foot. The water goes down and she looks relieved. She then accidentally drops the plug back into the plughole. She looks annoyed as she can no longer pull at the plug. Her foot starts reaching around for the door. Her foot turns the door handle and opens it and goes downstairs. We see the foot come downstairs into the hallway where Jordan is. It taps Jordan on the shoulder and then pulls back upstairs. Jordan turns around.  
  
Jordan: Phoebe?  
  
He starts heading upstairs. He gets to the bathroom and opens the door. He sees Phoebe in the bath and quickly closes the door.  
  
Jordan: Sorry Phoebe, I didn't realize you were taking a bath.  
  
He walks downstairs. Phoebe looks annoyed. She is on her last breath. She closes her eyes and chants to herself to summon power. Suddenly she waves her hand and her powers turn the taps off. She waves it again and the plug pops out of the plughole. She starts gasping for breath. We cut to her leaving the bathroom.  
  
Jordan: How was your bath?  
  
Phoebe waves her hand and sends Jordan flying into a wall.  
  
Phoebe: Idiot.  
  
Cut to Lannibal and Eddy pull into the carport. They exit the car.  
  
Lannibal: I've got 'em.  
  
He opens the backseat and grabs the pizzas. He turns around. The killer goes for the door but Lannibal slams it straight onto his head. He is once again knocked out. Lannibal goes inside.  
  
Lannibal: Anybody order a pizza?  
  
Jordan: Finally!  
  
Jordan takes the pizzas and puts them on the table and everyone comes and sits down. They all grabs a piece of pizza. One slice has a note on it.  
  
Note: You're all going to die!  
  
Eddy grabs that slice and swallows the note without noticing it.  
  
Eddy: Mmmmm.Inky. 


	8. Scene 7: The Hot and Sexy Shower Scene

Scene 7: The Hot and Sexy Shower Scene.  
  
Cut to BADMOVIE STUDIOS.  
  
Scott: Ecth you're needed on thet.  
  
Ex looks annoyed.  
  
Ex: Why?  
  
Scott: Becauthe you're the director.  
  
Ex: Oh.  
  
Scott: Come on.  
  
Ex:(mumbling) Director does everything. Why doesn't producer do something?  
  
Ex walks away with Scott. Ass gets up and goes to his desk. There is another letter there. He opens up the letter. Inside is another note. He opens that too.  
  
Note: I Still Know What You Did Last Season After Spring!  
  
Ass: What? Oh the guy we killed. Ex!  
  
He quickly runs to find Ex.  
  
Ass: Ex! Ex!  
  
Ass sees Max.  
  
Ass: Max what are doing?  
  
Max: I'm just waiting for.  
  
Ass: Go get you're camera you lazy bum! I don't pay you for doing nothing.  
  
Max: You don't pay me for doing anything either!  
  
Ass: Shut up.  
  
Ass hurries upstairs. Ex enters the toilet and pulls down his fly. We cut to Ass Ociate looking and calling for him. He enters the toilet room.  
  
Ass: Ex?  
  
Ex: Hey!  
  
Ex zips up his fly and lets out a huge scream.  
  
Ex: Ahhh!  
  
Ass: Oh my god! Are you okay?  
  
Ex is in great pain. He unzips his fly and zips it back up.  
  
Ex: I zipped up my finger.  
  
Ass: Oh! I hate it when that happens.  
  
Ex: Yeah really stings.  
  
Ass: Ex. I think you should take a look at this.  
  
Ass pulls out the note and hands it to Ex. Ex reads it.  
  
Ex: Damn it! I thought he'd forget! We really have to start taking this seriously now.  
  
Ass: I know. But who could have sent it?  
  
Ex: Someone who knows!  
  
Ass: I figured that. But lots of people were there that night.  
  
Ex: I still think it could be Max.  
  
Max walks past the bathroom door.  
  
Ass: Max!  
  
Max: I know!  
  
Ex: You hear that! He knows!  
  
Ass: Well if you're right, IF you're right, what are we going to do about it?  
  
Ex: Kill him.  
  
Ass: No. I'll just scare him and he'll stop threatening us.  
  
Ex: Or we could kill him.  
  
Ass: We'll go with my idea. Go grab the fake, prop knife.  
  
Ex hurries downstairs. On a table are two knives. One real, one obviously the fake prop knife.  
  
Ex: Ah.  
  
Ex scratches his head. He grabs the real one and hurries back upstairs. He passes the knife to Ass.  
  
Ass: Now I'll go have a word to our friend Max.  
  
Ass enters a room where Max is talking to Mark.  
  
Ass: Max.  
  
Max: I got the camera okay?  
  
Ass: Could we talk somewhere private?  
  
Max: Oh. This isn't private enough for you?  
  
They go off into a different room. Ass grabs Max by the neck and shoves him into the wall.  
  
Ass: I don't know what little game you're trying to play here Max, but I don't like it!  
  
Max: What are you talking about?  
  
Ass: Stop threatening us. And nobody will get hurt.  
  
Max: You're crazy.  
  
Ass pulls out the knife he believes is fake.  
  
Max: Hey!  
  
Ass: If you don't stop I'll kill you myself.  
  
Ass stabs the knife into Max's stomach.  
  
Max: Oh!  
  
Ass: Don't worry it's a fake knife.  
  
Ass pulls out the knife and there's blood on it.  
  
Ass: And that's fake blood.  
  
He looks at Max's stomach.  
  
Ass: And that's a fake wound.  
  
Max is in great pain.  
  
Ass: And this never happened.  
  
Ass bolts away. Max exits the room holding his wound. He looks very mad.  
  
Scott: Hey Macth you alright? Max shoves him straight into a wall. Scott falls down. Max goes into a room and closes the door. It is the bathroom. He turns on the shower and then takes off his shirt to inspect his wound.  
  
Max: Ah.  
  
He grabs some tissues and wipes away some blood. He takes off his pants. (We don't see anything explicit) He turns on the stereo in the corner. He gets in the shower. There is lots of steam. He starts singing along.  
  
Max: (Sings along with the music)  
  
After a while the music stops mid-song.  
  
Max: Hey! Who stopped the music?  
  
He gets out of the shower and puts on a towel. The stereo has been unplugged. He looks around and plugs it back in. The music continues. He stares at the fogged up mirror. He gets closer.  
  
Words on mirror: Your going to die!  
  
Max: Oh my god, he spelled you're wrong!  
  
Max puts in the E and apostrophe. The killer leaps up from behind him and jumps smack bang into the mirror. Max quickly runs away. The killer gets up and follows him.  
  
Cut to Ex in a different room.  
  
Ex: Okay and the man in the towel will come in from the left.  
  
Max comes running past from the left.  
  
Ex: And the killer will follow him.  
  
The killer chasing Max comes from the left.  
  
Ex: Well done.  
  
Max drops his towel and keeps running. He runs past Jen eating a hotdog. Jen looks at the hotdog, she takes out the meat and drops it. She nibbles on the bread.  
  
Max: Somebody help me!  
  
We cut back to Max running. He runs past Stephen.  
  
Stephen: Here Max. Catch.  
  
Stephen chucks him a fire poker. The killer catches it. Killer: Huh?  
  
Max comes to some stairs and trips over the last one. He turns around. The killer walks towards him.  
  
Max: Please, don't.  
  
The killer raises the fire poker and shoves it into Max's gut a few boings are heard but then a splatter. We see Max with the fire poker through his stomach.  
  
Max: Oh man, that's gonna leave a scar.  
  
Everyone comes running to Max.  
  
Gwyneth: Eh! We're too late.  
  
Stephen: I tried to help.  
  
Everyone stares at Max dead on the ground.  
  
Mark: Can somebody grab a towel or something?  
  
Scott chucks a towel over him so just his head his visible. Brendan comes running.  
  
Brendan: Oh jeez. And he was such a good-looking, young man. With such a hot and sexy body.  
  
Everyone is silent for a while. Ex breaks the silence.  
  
Ex: Hmm. I guess you're right. It wasn't Max.  
  
Ass and Ex walk away. 


	9. Scene 8: A Visit by the Killer

Scene 8: A Visit by the Killer/Eddy Sings  
  
Back in Halloweenie House, Lannibal is on the phone.  
  
Lannibal on phone: Is this Clarice? Why hello Clarice.  
  
Eddy to Jordan: Who's Clarice?  
  
Jordan: His mum.  
  
Lannibal: Yes, I am wearing clean underwear Clarice!  
  
Lannibal looks embarrassed.  
  
Lannibal: Guys!  
  
Jordan: Alright. Jordan and Eddy walks into the dining room and sit down. We see Lannibal still on the phone, he walks out of camera view.  
  
Lannibal: Yes. What? No! I don't care. No! Shut the hell up! Shut up or I'll stab you in the head! Oh, you better not be crying! You are so dead when I get home, you stupid bitch.  
  
We hear Lannibal slam the phone angrily. He walks into the dining room as if nothing has happened. We see Eddy and Jordan with very worried/surprised expressions. Phoebe is also sitting at the table. We see Eddy has something on his mind.  
  
Phoebe: Penny for your thoughts, Eddy?  
  
Eddy: This morning..... I woke up with this feeling.... I didn't know how to deal with.... (Start singing) And so I just decided to myself, I'd hide it to myself and never talk about, And did not go and shout, when you walked into the room, (Chorus) I think I love you, So what am I so afraid of, afraid that I'm not sure of, a love there is no cure for (Continues through the rest of the song)  
  
While Eddy is singing this he is dancing about on the table and jumping between chairs and the bench etc. He managed to kick Phoebe and Lannibal in the head many times, knocking them both over. At the end of the songs he jumps off the table onto Lannibal's stomach as he sings the last few lines.  
  
Eddy: (Near end of song) I think I lo-o-ove you!  
  
Lannibal gets up.  
  
Lannibal: That was so... Gay.  
  
Eddy looks at Jordan.  
  
Jordan: Go away!  
  
Eddy: I will.  
  
Eddy rushes upstairs. The phone rings. Jordan answers it.  
  
Killer: You're front porch.  
  
Jordan: Hello?  
  
Killer: Sorry I was on another call.  
  
Jordan: Who is this?  
  
Killer: (Laughs) You tell me your name and I'll tell you mine.  
  
Jordan: I'm Jordan Lair. Who's this?  
  
Killer: Oh! You're not meant to answer that question!  
  
Jordan: Please. Who is this?  
  
Killer: Who would you like it to be?  
  
Jordan: Why do you always answer a question with a question?  
  
Killer: Why do you think I always answer a question with a question?  
  
Jordan: If you won't tell me your name then, where are you?  
  
Killer: Stuck in bloody traffic. (Car horn is heard) I'll be there soon.  
  
He hangs up and so does Jordan. We cut to Eddy in the bathroom. He is putting on a t-shirt.  
  
Eddy: Damn Jordan. I won't let him crush me anymore!  
  
Eddy splashes water on his face and looks into the mirror Jordan is now in the mirror.  
  
Jordan: Come to me Eddy! (He blows him a kiss)  
  
Eddy: Ah!  
  
A car honk is heard. Lannibal and Eddy and Phoebe rush downstairs.  
  
Eddy: Who's that?  
  
The doorbell rings. Everybody rushes into the lounge room.  
  
Phoebe: Who is it?  
  
Jordan: Oh that's the killer, he rang earlier and said he was going to pop by.  
  
The killer's knocks on the door.  
  
Eddy: It's open! (He bursts in) Phoebe!  
  
Phoebe freezes him.  
  
Jordan: Phew. (He unfreezes. Phoebe freezes him again) Huh? (He unfreezes. Phoebe freezes him again)  
  
Jordan: How long can you freeze things for?  
  
Phoebe: About 2 seconds.  
  
In the hallway. The killer unfreezes and lurches for Eddy.  
  
Eddy: Phoebe!  
  
Phoebe tries to fling the killer away but gets Eddy who flies into the bench.  
  
Eddy: Hey! Ow!  
  
The killer lurches for Jordan. Phoebe tries to save Jordan but flicks him into the cupboard.  
  
Jordan: Can't you aim that thing?  
  
Phoebe: I don't know how.  
  
Finally she flings the killer outside. He runs away.  
  
Phoebe: I need some practice. (She goes upstairs)  
  
Jordan and Eddy gets up. Some girls are singing the Freddy is coming song.  
  
Eddy: Can you hear that?  
  
Jordan: Yeah!  
  
They look outside through the window  
  
Eddy: There's some creepy girls dressed in white skipping out there!  
  
Jordan opens the window and chucks a brick at the girls skipping. (Heard but not scene)  
  
Jordan: Get off my lawn! 


	10. Scene 9: Mark Gets His Head Cut Off

Scene 9: Mark Gets His Head Cut Off.  
  
Ex: And action!  
  
Mark is standing in the kitchen about to make some popcorn. His phone rings. He picks it up.  
  
Mark: Hello.  
  
Killer (In movie): Hello.  
  
Mark: Yes?  
  
Killer (In movie): Who is this?  
  
Mark: Who are you trying to reach?  
  
Killer (In movie): What number is this? Mark: What number are you trying to reach?  
  
Killer (In movie): Who is this?  
  
Mark: You've said that.  
  
Killer (In movie): Oh then, what number is this?  
  
Mark: You said that too.  
  
Killer (In movie): Damn it. Ah.  
  
Mark: Do you wanna know my name?  
  
Killer (In movie): That's it. You never did tell me your name.  
  
Mark: Why do you want to know my name?  
  
Killer (In movie): 'Cause I want to know who I'm looking at.  
  
Mark: What did you say?  
  
Killer (In movie): Um, because I want to know who I'm. talking too. Yeah that's what I said. Talking too. Yeah, that'll do.  
  
Mark: That's not what you said.  
  
He walks backwards, looking out the window. He trips over a chair. He grunts.  
  
Killer (In movie): What's that noise?  
  
Mark runs to the popcorn machine and turns it on.  
  
Mark: Ah, I'm making popcorn. I'm getting to watch a video.  
  
Killer: Really what?  
  
Mark: Oh, just a porno movie.  
  
Killer: Do you like porno movies?  
  
Mark: Hell yeah!  
  
Killer: What's your favourite?  
  
Mark: Ah, Well there's the one with the two chicks, they're getting down.  
  
Ex: And cut it.  
  
The guy in the killer costume walks by with a huge boner. We see Brendan/Leeroy doing a little jig.  
  
Ass: He looks happy.  
  
Ex: A little too happy if you ask me.  
  
Ass: Which personality is that anyway? I can't see his hair. (He is wearing a cap)  
  
Ex: Oi! Brendan!  
  
Ass: Leeroy!  
  
They run up to him.  
  
Ass: Who are you?  
  
Brendan/Leeroy: Fitzroy.  
  
Ex: What? Three personalities?  
  
Ass: It's not common but it's possible.  
  
We cut to Gwyneth alone in a room. He is doing his toenails.  
  
Killer (Whispering): Gwyneth.  
  
Gwyneth: Yes? Hello?  
  
Killer (Whispering): Is a girl's name!  
  
Gwyneth: (Cracking) Show yourself, I'll kick your ass.  
  
The killer steps out.  
  
Gwyneth: Let's go then.  
  
Killer: Bring it on.  
  
Cool, retro music starts. Both Gwyneth then the killer make punching and fighting type gestures. The Killer and Gwyneth run towards each other, the killer throws some punches which Gwyneth dodges, Gwyneth suddenly slams his fist into the killer's gut (we zoom into the fist) and then the killer goes flying into the wall  
  
Killer: Ah!  
  
The killer gets back up. The killer dodges all Gwyneth's attacks and then Gwyneth dodges all of his attacks, they stand still for a moment and the killer suddenly lifts up a leg and slams it into Gwyneth's groin, Gwyneth falls over  
  
Gwyneth: Ooo!  
  
Gwyneth flips up onto his hands. He kicks the killer in the head several times.  
  
Killer: Ohhhhhhhhhh.  
  
The killer stumbles about. The killer pulls out a knife. Gwyneth looks worried. The killer throws it and in slow-motion we see Gwyneth jump up and the knife goes under his legs. Gwyneth looks very smug. Then the killer pulls out six more knives. Gwyneth now looks very worried. We see the killer throw all six at Gwyneth. We see it has pinned his clothes against the wall. He steps forward, ripping out of his clothes and is wearing boxers and a support bra underneath.  
  
Killer: Oh. Ahhh!  
  
He runs out of the room. Gwyneth looks pleased with himself. We cut to Ass.  
  
Ass: Mark we're filming in five.  
  
Mark: What now?  
  
Ex: Your death scene.  
  
Mark: Oh, cool.  
  
Scott pats Mark on the back.  
  
Scott: Break a leg.  
  
Mark: Touch me again and I'll break your fucking leg!  
  
We see Mark standing alone just waiting for the scene to be set up. A man with a large box of supplies walks past him and drops something. Mark looks down at it.  
  
Mark: Hey, you dropped something.  
  
He bends down to pick it up. Behind him we can see that the killer is there, holding an axe. He swings back the axe. Mark stands back up now holding a mask. The axe swings at him and chops off his head.  
  
Mark's head rolls over next to Ass. Ass looks at it.  
  
Ass: Over-actor  
  
Cut to Scott walking with Brendan.  
  
Scott: I hate being bothed around by Ath and Ecth. They treat me like a thlave.  
  
Brendan: You act like a slave. You should just say no to them for once.  
  
Scott: I can do that?  
  
Brendan: Yeah! Next time they ask you to do something just say no.  
  
Scott: Okay.  
  
Scott keeps walking. He meets Ass.  
  
Ass: Hey Scott where've you been? I'm hungry get me some chips.  
  
Ass turns and starts to walk away.  
  
Scott: No.  
  
Ass stops and slowly turns around.  
  
Ass: What did you say to me?  
  
Scott looks worried.  
  
Scott: No.  
  
Ass is getting really mad.  
  
Ass: I'll ask again. What did you say to me?  
  
Scott looks very scared.  
  
Scott: N.okay.  
  
Scott runs away. He meets Brendan.  
  
Brendan: Did you do it?  
  
Scott: (Thinks) No.  
  
Scott bolts away. Brendan shrugs his shoulders and walks away. Ex is standing alone. He looks around and sees the killer coming towards him. He shuts his eyes.  
  
Ex: Go away. Please be gone, you're not real, be gone!  
  
He keeps his eyes shut. We see the killer come closer to Ex. Finally, we see the killer's shadow on Ex. Ex opens his eyes.  
  
Ex: Ahh! (The figure is Ass)  
  
Ass: Whoa! What?  
  
Ex: Oh, Jesus, I thought you were the killer.  
  
Ass: Well I'm not. (laughs) You're so fucked up 


	11. Scene 10: Deady Eddy

Scene 10: Deady Eddy.  
  
Cut to Halloweenie House. Eddy and Jordan grab a drink and start walking towards the side door. They open the door and step outside.  
  
Eddy: Nice night.  
  
Jordan: Yeah  
  
Eddy: You know sometimes I wonder why certain things happen.  
  
Jordan: Whatta ya mean?  
  
Eddy: You know I sometimes think that maybe some special force brought us here together on this night and maybe it was meant for you and me to be out here together alone, by ourselves, no one around.  
  
Jordan looks uneasy.  
  
Eddy: Don't you think?  
  
Eddy tries to grab Jordan's hand.  
  
Jordan: No.  
  
Eddy looks sad. Suddenly there is a noise near the front garden.  
  
Jordan: What was that?  
  
Eddy: I'm not sure.  
  
They put down their drinks on the barbeque and go down to investigate. A black-gloved hand pours some sort of powder into both of the glasses. Eddy and Jordan come back.  
  
Jordan: Must have been the wind.  
  
They pick up their glasses.  
  
Jordan: It's getting cold. I'm going back inside. You coming?  
  
He empties his glass on the garden.  
  
Eddy: In a minute.  
  
Eddy looks out at the moon and takes a sip. He swallows. His face looks sour. He looks at his glass.  
  
Eddy: Oh!  
  
Eddy looks sick and lurches to the door. He is dizzy and he collapses outside. Fade to black. Eddy wakes up in a bathtub of ice. He feels his side. There is a new scar there. On the bench is a plate with blood on it. A knife, fork and pepper and salt shakers around it. Eddy slowly gets out of the bath and slips on a block of ice. He then gets up and slips twice more falling quite violently each time. We cut to him running downstairs.  
  
Eddy: Lannibal did you eat my kidney?  
  
Lannibal: No! (Licks lips) I wish I had though. I bet it was nice and juicy. Do you have another one?  
  
Phoebe: Where've you been?  
  
Eddy: I was up in the bathroom.  
  
Jordan: Cleaning the pipes?  
  
Eddy: No not the toilet the bathroom. I woke up in a bathtub of ice! And I have no idea how I got there!  
  
Phoebe: Probably the killer.  
  
Eddy: But why leave me there? He could have killed me if he wanted to.  
  
Lannibal: He's just playing with us.  
  
Eddy: Yeah, well I prefer to play with myself!  
  
The all look at Eddy in disgust/surprise.  
  
Eddy: Oh. Not like that.  
  
They all sigh in relief.  
  
Eddy: I mean what is he waiting for? (Shouting) What are you waiting for? What are.  
  
Lannibal: Hey! If you're going to shout. Go outside.  
  
Eddy: Fine.  
  
Eddy goes outside and looks up to the sky.  
  
Eddy: What are you waiting for? Huh? What are you waiting for? What are you waiting for?  
  
Zoom back to see the roof of the house. The killer is up there sleeping. The shouting wakes him up. He gets up and jumps off the roof near Eddy.  
  
Eddy: Uh-oh.  
  
Eddy starts running. He gets into the car and locks the door. He starts feeling his pockets and looking around frantically. The killer taps the window with his knife and waves the keys in front of Eddy.  
  
Eddy: No!  
  
The killer disappears. The locks pop open on one side. Eddy shuts it. It happens on the other side and Eddy shuts that one with the other hand. The radio starts. It is Funky town. Eddy lets go of the locks and starts singing with the radio. The killer looks at him oddly. The killer disappears again. The boot slowly opens behind Eddy while he is singing. The killer leaps on him. Eddy kicks him off and exits the car. He runs straight for the door and hits it very hard because it is locked. He quickly gets up and runs into the front garden. The killer can't be seen. He suddenly appears behind Eddy and is about to stab him. Eddy starts running and his top comes off underneath he is wearing a small shirt he keeps running and the killer rips his pants off underneath he is wearing Speedos. He keeps running and hoses start spraying him. He slips and falls down and comes up muddy. The killer has caught up and stabs him in the back. We cut to inside.  
  
Lannibal: Eddy's been outside a long time.  
  
Jordan: Probably cleaning the pipes.  
  
Lannibal: What?  
  
Jordan: Slapping the salami, spanking the monkey.  
  
Lannibal: What? Why would he go outside for that?  
  
Jordan: Hey, I.  
  
There is a bang at the TV room window. They all look at the window.  
  
Phoebe: What was that?  
  
There is another bang.  
  
Jordan: Eddy!  
  
They all rush outside. Eddy's body is lying dead on the ground.  
  
Jordan: Oh no.  
  
Lannibal bends down next to it. He takes a bite out of him. Jordan and Phoebe look disgusted. Lannibal: Still fresh.  
  
Phoebe: What are we going to do?  
  
Jordan: We have to call the police and tell them Eddy, Eddy ah. Jeez it's gonna look like we killed him.  
  
Phoebe: We can't just ignore it.  
  
Jordan: I know.  
  
Jordan: Look Lannibal, you stay here with Eddy and Phoebe and I'll go call the police.  
  
Lannibal: Oh. Alright.  
  
Lannibal starts to put on his napkin.  
  
Phoebe: Are you sure it's a good idea to leave him with the body?  
  
Jordan: Oh. Yeah. Actually Lannibal we'll all go call the police together.  
  
Lannibal: No that's okay I'll just stay here.  
  
Lannibal is now laying out a picnic blanket and food.  
  
Jordan: No. We're all going together.  
  
Jordan grabs Lannibal by the arm and takes him inside.  
  
Phoebe: Come on Jordan.  
  
Jordan goes to the phone. He suddenly looks worried.  
  
Jordan: The line's dead.  
  
He puts the phone down and walks away. Phoebe quickly picks it up and puts it down  
  
Jordan: Hey, what are you doing? I said it was dead. I'm on your side.  
  
Phoebe: Sorry.  
  
Lannibal picks up the phone and then hangs up.  
  
Jordan: Lannibal. Not you too? Don't you trust me?  
  
Lannibal: I don't know who to trust.  
  
They all look at each other and then at the phone. They all grab for it.  
  
Jordan: Get off I've got to check.  
  
Phoebe: No I need to check.  
  
Lannibal: Let's just agree, the phone's dead.  
  
Jordan: Ok. (A noise is heard) Eddy!  
  
They rush outside and Eddy's body is gone.  
  
Phoebe: He's gone.  
  
Lannibal: Great! Another good meal wasted.  
  
Phoebe: Let's go check the phone again!  
  
They all rush inside to the phone. 


	12. Scene 11: Gwyneth Doberman is a dead MAN...

Scene 11: Gwyneth Doberman is a dead MAN!  
  
Cut to BADMOVIE STUDIOS. Inside. Ex walks past Gwyneth.  
  
Ex: Hi Gwyneth, wassup?  
  
Gwyneth: Not your penis!  
  
Ex: Dude!  
  
Gwyneth: I am a man, I am a man, Gwyneth may be a girl's name, but I am man!  
  
Brendan: Hey Gwinny!  
  
Gwyneth: Shut the hell up I'm as much a man as you! I am a man, I am a man.  
  
Gwyneth storms off. Brendan falls over in pain. Ass and Ex come over.  
  
Ex: Brendan what's wrong?  
  
Brendan: I think I've got a urine infection.  
  
Ex: Ow!  
  
Brendan: It hurts like hell. And it wasn't me who did it.  
  
Ass: Ouch! Did Fitzroy do it?  
  
Brendan: No all he does is jig. Another personality, that can't feel pain did it. I'm just worried about how it's going to come out. It's like pissing razorblades!  
  
Ass and Ex: Ehh! Brendan: But I am getting better at controlling my personalities now. I only change when I'm stressed or very frightened. (changing) Damn white cracka!  
  
Brendan/Leeroy runs off.  
  
Ass: Go piss some razor blades!  
  
Ex: I don't know who's more troubled Brendan with multiple personalities or Gwyneth.  
  
Ass: Gwyneth?  
  
Ex: Yeah. He has female tendencies if you know what I mean.  
  
Ex is suddenly slapped.  
  
Gwyneth: I do not.  
  
Gwyneth walks away with high-heels and holding a hand-bag. Ass turns his head.  
  
Ass: She's got a damn fine ass!  
  
Ex: That's a he!  
  
Ass: Oh. Sorry. HE'S got a damn fine ass!  
  
Scott: Ah, guyth thouldn't you be filming now?  
  
Ex: Oh yeah.  
  
They get up and walk away. Cut to Gwyneth talking to Scott, Jenny and Stephen.  
  
Gwyneth: I'm masculine right?  
  
We zoom out and he is wearing woman's dress.  
  
Gwyneth: Okay, so I may act weird sometimes, but at least I'm not gay. Like Scott.  
  
Scott: I'm not gay.  
  
Stephen: Oh sure you're not. (While coughing: Queer!)  
  
Jenny: (While coughing: Poof!)  
  
Gwyneth: (While coughing: Fag!)  
  
Ex: Alright and action! Hey where is everyone? Everybody hurry up!  
  
They all come running.  
  
Ex: That's better. And action!  
  
Jen and Gwyneth are standing in a room.  
  
Jen: Oh Dale they're dead. First Stu and now Barry. What are we going to do?  
  
Gwyneth: Don't worry. We'll be okay. You being a woman and me being a MAN! For I am a MAN and I will act MANLY so everyone realizes I'm a MAN! Me MAN you woman.  
  
The killer comes.  
  
Jen: Oh no the killer what are you going to do?  
  
Gwyneth: I'll do the only thing a MANLY MAN would do! Ooo Dolly!  
  
Gwyneth sits down and crosses his legs.(He has high-heels) He pulls out a Dolly magazine.  
  
Ex: And cut. Thanks Gwyneth. For wrecking the scene. But we don't have time for reshoot so it'll have to stay that way.  
  
Cut to Scott and Stephen.  
  
Scott: Cast and crew meeting in five.  
  
Stephen: Hey Scott you reckon you could do me a small favour?  
  
Scott: Ah, maybe.  
  
Stephen: Do you think you could drive a car over me five or six times? Yeah, that should be enough to kill me.  
  
Scott: Ah, no I can't drive.  
  
Stephen: How about strangulation or you could drown me! I'll pay you!  
  
Scott is walking away. Cut to everyone at the table.  
  
Ass: So Ex why'd you call this meeting?  
  
Ex: I didn't call the meeting, you did.  
  
Ass: Ah, no I didn't. You did.  
  
Ex: No.  
  
Ass: Yes.  
  
Ex: Come on Ass. Bring it on. They leap onto the table and start fighting. Gwyneth enters.  
  
Gwyneth: Guys, stop. I called this meeting.  
  
Ass and Ex have got their hands around each other's throats.  
  
Ass and Ex: Oh.  
  
They sit down.  
  
Gwyneth: I called this meeting to announce my name change. I have officially and legally changed my name. To something more suitable for a man. I am no longer Gwyneth Terrence Doberman. I am now Susan Terrence Doberman.  
  
Ass: Does this mean we have to change the name in the credits?  
  
Ex: My god you're right. Come on!  
  
Ass and Ex run off.  
  
Gwyneth: So what do you guys think?  
  
They all make excuses and leave.  
  
Gwyneth: Well I like it.  
  
Killer appears behind him.  
  
Killer: So do I.  
  
The killer grabs him around the neck with some wire. Gwyneth manages to break free. He begins running. He takes off his high heels and throws them at the killer's head. He runs outside. The killer steps outside. He steps back inside. He comes out wearing a coat. Gwyneth runs around the house until he finds a ladder. He climbs up the ladder. He kicks it down only to realize the killer is climbing up another ladder. As he edges along the roof the killer grabs him and chucks him off. He screams. Cut to Stephen. He is holding a bottle marked poisonous.  
  
Stephen: One mouthful of this and bye, bye world.  
  
Suddenly Gwyneth lands on him. His bottle breaks. He pulls out another.  
  
Stephen: Lucky I brought a spare.  
  
The killer lands on him. The spare bottle breaks.  
  
Stephen: Oh!  
  
Cut to Gwyneth on the ground. The killer approaches him, Gwyneth tries to run. The killer grabs him by the throat and lifts him up against a wall. The killer pulls out a knife.  
  
Gwyneth: No.  
  
The killer stabs Gwyneth and Gwyneth is left dead hanging on the wall. Gwyneth falls off the wall.  
  
Killer: Oh!  
  
The killer tries stapling, pinning and tying Gwyneth to the wall but none of them work. Finally he gets some large tape and tapes Gwyneth to the wall. Gwyneth stays on the wall and the killer walks away. Gwyneth then falls off the wall.  
  
Cut to Ass and Ex.  
  
Ex: Ass, I'm sorry about fighting before on the table.  
  
Ass: Me too! It was stupid.  
  
They run towards each other to hug. A look of evil crosses through each of their eyes. They run faster and clothesline each other onto the ground. They are fighting each other.  
  
Scott: What ith wrong with you guyth! Get up!  
  
They get up.  
  
Scott: Thake handth. Come on kith and make up.  
  
Ass punches Scott in the face. He falls down.  
  
Ex: You read my mind.  
  
They walk off together. 


	13. Scene 12: No More Stephen Bradley and Mo...

Scene 12: No More Stephen Bradley and More Threats.  
  
Cut back to Ass and Ex on set. Ass, Ex, Stephen and Jen are there. Stephen is sitting on the ground with a large metal fork.  
  
Stephen: Hey Ass, you don't happen to have a safety switch installed do you?  
  
Ass: Hell no.  
  
Stephen: Good. Stephen slowly pushes the fork to the socket. He hits it. Nothing happens.  
  
Stephen: Oh no! It's too big! Damn it!  
  
Ex: Stephen! Get over here now!  
  
Stephen comes over.  
  
Ex: Right, we're going to film Mavis's death scene now so. Hey! Where's the killer?  
  
Billy (As killer): Oh sorry. Coming.  
  
Killer: Coming.  
  
Ex: Whoa, hang on there's too many. 1, 2. 2 killers! The script only calls for one so (He thinks) One of you has to leave.  
  
The killer comes forward.  
  
Ex: What are you doing?  
  
The killer continues forward and stabs Stephen.  
  
Stephen: Ahh! What the hell?  
  
The killer tries to stab again but Stephen whacks away his arm. Stephen starts running the killer follows.  
  
Ass: Oh no. Stephen's going to be killed.  
  
Ex: Eh.  
  
Ass: He's the only one who can use the fake blood!  
  
Ex jumps up.  
  
Ex: Come on.  
  
They follow him. Stephen is still running. The killer catches up.  
  
Stephen: Please, please, I don't want to die! Oh wait, yes I do! Stab away!  
  
The killer starts stabbing Stephen. Stephen is cheering.  
  
Ass: Noooo!  
  
Ass tackles the killer. Ex grabs his knife. The killer shoves him off and bolts away.  
  
Ex: Stephen, Stephen speak to me. Ass: We're too late.  
  
Stephen's body is motionless. (Or so we believe) Cut to a fire. A whole wad of papers is thrown in. We zoom out and it was Brendan.  
  
Brendan: Uh-oh.  
  
Cut to Brendan talking to Ass and Ex.  
  
Brendan: Sometimes something explodes in my brain, and I just have to chuck something in the fire, and last time it was our script so nobody can practice their lines.  
  
Ass: Don't worry, we got some more in the car. Come on Ex. Oh and next time take your anger out on something other than our scripts. Please.  
  
Brendan: Sorry.  
  
Ass and Ex leave. Brendan starts to get angry. He goes to grab something. He comes back holding Scott who is squirming trying to get away. He nears the fire. Cut to Ass and Ex outside. Ex grabs his keys and nears the car.  
  
Ass: I'm going to go for a smoke.  
  
Ex: Ass, don't you know, smoking kills.  
  
Ass: Ex, smoking's no more dangerous than drunk driving.  
  
Ex: Oh ok.  
  
Ass wanders off into the garden. He steps onto Gwyneth's body covered in sticky tape, he looks around to see where the crinkling noise is coming from. He walks off it.  
  
Ass: Hmm.  
  
He drops his lighter.  
  
Ass: Oh.  
  
Cut back to Ex. He opens the boot. Max's dead body is in there. He screams and closes the boot.  
  
Ex: Ass, Ass.  
  
Ass: What?  
  
Ex: There's a body, in the boot.  
  
Ass: Did you run someone over again?  
  
Ex: No! They run back to the car. Ex opens the boot. Nothing is there.  
  
Ex: But, he was right here.  
  
Ass: Sure he was.  
  
Ex: No it was.  
  
Ass: I'm going back inside. Grab the scripts.  
  
Ass gets to the door. There is a picture in the door. It is of their car and reads: I KNOW! Ass picks it up.  
  
Ass: What the hell is that?  
  
It turns out he is holding it upside down.  
  
Ass: Hey Ex come see this.  
  
Ex comes and is also looking at the picture.  
  
Ex: What is that?  
  
Ass: Beats me! And what does IMONKI mean.  
  
Ex: Maybe it's some sort of code.  
  
Ass: It looks like a boat.  
  
Ex: Hang on, IMONKI's a new brand of boats isn't it?  
  
Ass: Ah. Maybe.  
  
Ex: This is an ad. Junk mail! I thought the sign would warn them off.  
  
He points to a sigh which reads: NO JUNKMAIL. OR ELSE!  
  
Ass: I guess tomorrow I'll have to bring my shotgun outside. Maybe the postman will listen to that!  
  
Ex: You do that. But I'd better go get the scripts.  
  
Ex goes back to the car. He opens the boot again. The body is there. He closes the boot and opens it again. The body is gone. He feels the boot surface.  
  
Ex: Hmmm.  
  
He grabs the scripts and goes inside. Ex enters.  
  
Ex: Who wants a script? Extra cheese, no anchovies. Brendan: Chuck 'em down here.  
  
Ex chucks them to Brendan. They all land in the fire.  
  
Ex: Oh.  
  
Ex leaves. Ass turns on the radio.  
  
Radio DJ: And that was Christina Aguilera with his new single "Could I Get Any Sluttier?" (A bell is heard) Well listeners, you know what that means. It's time for our "Send me away from this crap-hole" competition. We will now call a random number and if that person can answer one simple travel question we will send them to a beautiful tropical island in the South- Pacific. We're calling someone now.  
  
Ass's phone ring.  
  
Ass: Hello.  
  
Killer: Hello Ass. You're going to die.  
  
Ass: Is this the radio station?  
  
Killer: No.  
  
Ass: Sorry I have to keep the line free.  
  
Ass puts the phone down and it rings again. Ass answers it.  
  
Ass: Hello.  
  
DJ: Hello lucky listener. Do you know who this is?  
  
Ass: Archie from 101.234563567 radio station.  
  
DJ: That's right. Are you ready for the question which may send you on a luxury holiday?  
  
Ass: Yes. Yes I am.  
  
Ex: Who you talking to?  
  
Ass: Archie.  
  
Ex: The Send me away from this crap-hole competition?  
  
Ass: Ah-huh.  
  
DJ: You still there Ass?  
  
Ass: Yes. DJ: Good. Now here's your question. What is the capital city of Brazil?  
  
Ass: Oh I know this. (Ex grabs an atlas)  
  
DJ: You have 5 seconds to answer.  
  
Ex: It's Rio De Janeiro isn't it?  
  
Ass: Yeah I think so.  
  
DJ: Time's up Ex. You got an answer?  
  
Ass: Yep. Rio de Janeiro?  
  
DJ: That is. correct you're on your way to holiday for you and one friend on an island in.  
  
Ex: Hey, look it's not Rio de Janeiro! It's Brasilia! That capital of Brazil is Brasilia.  
  
Ass: Oh. I'm sorry. You've made a mistake. I got the question wrong. The correct answer is Brasilia. Yeah not Rio.  
  
DJ: Ah, no that's alright we'll take your answer.  
  
Ass: But that wouldn't be fair to the other listeners (Ass hangs up)  
  
Ex: Damn it! We were so close! 


	14. Scene 13: Bling Bling! The Witch is Dead...

Scene 13: Bling Bling! The Witch is Dead!  
  
Cut back to Halloweenie House. Lannibal picks up the receiver of the phone.  
  
Lannibal: It's still dead.  
  
Suddenly a mobile phone rings.  
  
Jordan: It's mine.  
  
Jordan answers it.  
  
Jordan: Hello.  
  
Man on phone: Is somebody there?  
  
Jordan: Yes.  
  
Man on phone: Please help me, I've had accident. My car crashed, there's blood, guts and my wife and son. Please help  
  
Jordan: Alright where are you? Man on phone: 14 Craven Road, near the top. Please hurry.  
  
Jordan: 14 Craven Road, that's just up the street. We'll be there soon.  
  
Lannibal: We?  
  
Jordan: Yes come on Lannibal, Phoebe you stay here, I'll.  
  
Phoebe: But Jordan I don't want to stay, the killer might.  
  
Jordan: Phoebe there's blood and guts everywhere and I don't think a girl should.  
  
Lannibal: Blood and guts! What are we waiting for? Come on. Let's go!  
  
Lannibal hurries down stairs. Cut to them in the car. Jordan starts it up.  
  
Jordan: I wonder how he got my mobile phone number.  
  
Lannibal: Let's go!  
  
Jordan: And why didn't he call the police or an ambulance?  
  
Lannibal: Let's just go! There's free food waiting.  
  
Jordan: What?  
  
Lannibal: Ah, that man's waiting.  
  
Cut back inside. Phoebe sits down at the TV. Suddenly the phone rings.  
  
Phoebe: Jordan!  
  
Killer: Who's Jordan?  
  
Phoebe: Oh sorry, I thought you were someone else.  
  
Killer: That's alright. I am.  
  
Phoebe: Who are you calling for?  
  
Killer: Are you alone?  
  
Phoebe: If you're trying to be scary, you're not very good, I mean the whole girl getting harassed on the phone thing pul-leeze. It's been done.  
  
Killer: What'd you expect me to do, page you threats?  
  
Phoebe: Good point. Just who are you calling for?  
  
Killer: What if I said you? Phoebe gets up and walks near the window.  
  
Phoebe: What if I said goodbye?  
  
Killer: What if I said you look really good in that blue sweater?  
  
Phoebe: (frightened) Oh my God! You can see me? I haven't even finished putting on my make-up!  
  
She hangs up and rushes to mirror and starts doing her hair and make-up. The phone rings. She answers.  
  
Phoebe: Yes.  
  
Killer: Don't ever hang up on me again or I'll gut you like a fish!  
  
Phoebe: Look what do you want?  
  
Killer: To play a game. Which door am I.  
  
Phoebe hangs up.  
  
Phoebe: Creep.  
  
Phoebe rushes to the door and almost locks it. The wall phone rings. She slowly picks it up.  
  
Phoebe: Hello.  
  
The killer bursts from the door behind her. She screams and runs. She rushes upstairs. She disappears into a room. The killer looks for her. He turns into the bathroom. Phoebe grabs his mask and pulls it back, she lets go and it smacks him in the face. He gets up. Phoebe has gone again. We see her hiding in an upstairs cupboard. The killer looks for her. After a bit, he stands in front of her cupboard. She opens the door and he goes flying down the stairs. She gets out. The killer looks unconscious. She slowly passes him. She sighs. He grabs her leg abruptly, she runs again. He picks up his knife and chucks it at her. It spins for her head, but the handle hits her. She is knocked out.  
  
Killer: The handle! Oh!  
  
Cut to Lannibal and Jordan.  
  
Lannibal: Are you sure he said Craven Road?  
  
Jordan: Yes.  
  
Lannibal: Well maybe he said 40 Craven Road.  
  
Jordan looks annoyed. Cut back to Phoebe and the killer. Phoebe has been tied up in a chair in the hallway. She wakes up. Killer: Hello Phoebe.  
  
Phoebe: Hey, let me go!  
  
Killer: I don't think so.  
  
Phoebe: At least take off your mask, you coward.  
  
Killer: No, I don't think so. Let the suspense mount. And I'm rather afraid you'll never find out who I am.  
  
Phoebe: Why?  
  
Killer: You'll be dead.  
  
Phoebe: Yeah well, when I'm finished with you. You'll be face down on the ground.  
  
Killer: I'm sorry but the girl out-smarting the killer stage has passed, the killer always wins these days.  
  
Phoebe: Oh yeah.  
  
We see Phoebe has a pocket-knife and is trying to cut the rope. It doesn't after many tries.  
  
Phoebe: Well since my pocket knife failed to cut the rope I'm going to have to do it all while tied to this chair.  
  
She lifts her legs and tries to jump, the chair falls over backwards.  
  
Phoebe: Owww!  
  
Killer: Look, girl I'm the killer, you're the victim, you'll die, I'll live.  
  
Phoebe: No.  
  
Phoebe jumps herself back up and then falls flat on her face.  
  
Killer: You're a witch Phoebe, let's see you fly!  
  
The killer picks up the chair and carries her outside. The killer swings the chair around and around. He lets go and it goes flying into the frontyard. She falls out of the chair. The killer kneels beside her and raises his knife. She whimpers and he chops off her head. She jumps up and starts running around like a chicken while clucking.  
  
Killer: Oh! I hate it when that happens. (She hits a tree) And that's kicking your ass!  
  
The killer dances away. Cut to Lannibal and Jordan pulling in.  
  
Jordan: Must have been a prank. Lannibal: You just can't follow directions.  
  
They continue arguing as they approach the front door.  
  
Lannibal: Oh. Nice flowers.  
  
Jordan: Yes they're really showing up well this year.  
  
They both stop and stare.  
  
Jordan: Did we leave the door open?  
  
Lannibal: I don't think so.  
  
Jordan runs inside.  
  
Jordan: Phoebe! Phoebe!  
  
Lannibal: She's not upstairs.  
  
Jordan: Lannibal, drive down to the McKenzie's house. Call the police.  
  
Lannibal: Hey.  
  
Jordan: What?  
  
Lannibal: (Eating a bacon sandwich) There she is.  
  
They notice her up in the frontyard. Cut to them taking standing with her.  
  
Jordan: Oh no. It should have been me.  
  
Lannibal puts his arm on him. They stand around Phoebe's dead body.  
  
Lannibal: Jordan, does this mean I can have the extra money? You know to make up for the losses.  
  
Jordan: Lannibal, don't you have a heart inside you?  
  
Lannibal: Why, yes actually I have three.  
  
Jordan looks at him strangely.  
  
Lannibal: What? I had two for breakfast.  
  
Jordan: I think we'd better get out of here.  
  
Lannibal: Pfft. No way. Don't be a wuss. It was probably just an accident.  
  
Jordan: What about this then? Jordan read the note.  
  
Jordan: I killed her. It wasn't an accident. Signed: The Killer.  
  
Lannibal: Ah, yeh, well, that's what she'd want us to think. 


	15. Scene 14: Ray's Cameo

Scene 14: Ray's Cameo  
  
Cut back to BADMOVIE STUDIOS. Cut to Ass and Ex. Jen runs up to them.  
  
Jen: Guys, just a quick question, who's the famous sport-star you've got for a cameo?  
  
Ass: What?  
  
Jen: You said in the interview you had a famous sports star to do a cameo. You've been advertising about it for about 10 months. Because I can recommend this guy.  
  
She shows them a photo of a guy with curly hair and is tall.  
  
Ass: Who is he?  
  
Jen: Some basketball player.  
  
Ass: Ok. Well he has to be better than that weightlifter we had planned, Sam Dannis.  
  
Cut to Ex on the phone.  
  
Ex on phone: Sorry Sam, but we found someone else. Someone better.  
  
Sam: Yeah, well I'm going to tag your house tonight and rob a bank and hi- jack a plane and fly to Africa.  
  
Ass: Sure you will.  
  
Ass and Ex are outside. A car pulls up. The camera pans up a guy bouncing a basketball up to his head.  
  
Ass: He's not that tall.  
  
Ass is standing next to him.  
  
Ex: Shut up. Hi I'm Ex Ecutive.  
  
Ass: And I'm Ass.  
  
Ex: As in hole.  
  
Ass: Shut up.  
  
Nathan: Hi. You recognize me, don't you? Ass: Ha ha, yep. (To Ex: Who's this guy again?)  
  
Ex shrugs his shoulders.  
  
Ex: And your name is?  
  
Nathan: My name is Nathan Ruigrok.  
  
Ass: Nathan Ruigrok ? Not really a movie-starrish name.  
  
Nathan: A movie-star name. Ah, how about Gretchen, Kathryn, Michael, Greg, Jenny. No. How about Raymond? Everybody loves Raymond  
  
Ex: Great your name's Ray.  
  
Ray: Cool.  
  
Ex: Right, we've got a very limited time so lets get straight into it. We want you to do some three pointers, some slam dunks and a few swishes.  
  
Ray nods.  
  
Ass: And possibly a three pointer, slam dunk swish.  
  
They just stand there.  
  
Ex: You want to practice?  
  
Ray: Alright.  
  
He picks up a basketball and shoots. It goes straight in the hoop. He then shoots many more times often throwing the ball in different directions or doing it with his eyes shut. Everytime he shoots, the ball goes straight into the hoop.  
  
Ass: That's amazing.  
  
Ex: Great, go get made up inside and then we can shoot the scene.  
  
Cut to outside a door. Ass is there.  
  
Ass: (Knocking) Come on Ray!  
  
Ray: (Behind door) In a second.  
  
Ass: Oh!  
  
Ass walks in. We see Ray with curlers in his hair.  
  
Ray: Damn curlers! (Noticing Ass) Aaargh! Aargh!  
  
Ass: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!  
  
Ray: Get out!  
  
Ass quickly leaves. He has a terrified look on his face. Ex meets him.  
  
Ex: Oi! We need Ray now.  
  
Ass: You get him.  
  
Ex: (Knocking) Ray come on.  
  
Ray: Coming.  
  
Ray comes out very short.  
  
Ex: Ray, I didn't realize you were so short.  
  
Ray: Oh crap! I forgot my shoes!  
  
He comes out again nice and tall. Ex now looks terribly confused. Cut to them about to film a scene.  
  
Ex: You'll shoot some hoops, meet Brendan and then be killed.  
  
Ray: I thought I was a main part.  
  
Ex: You're doing a cameo.  
  
Ray: What's a cameo?  
  
Ex leaves.  
  
Ex to Ass: Maybe we should have kept Sam Dannis.  
  
Sam: Too late for that now, I got a three picture deal with Steven Spielberg.  
  
Ass: Of course you do.  
  
Sam: Oh piss off. (Ass gives him the finger) Come on. I'll bash you up.  
  
Ass punches him in the shoulder. Sam runs away crying for his mummy.  
  
Ex: And action.  
  
We see Ray shooting some balls. Of course everytime he shoots, he gets it straight int the ring. Brendan enters the scene.  
  
Brendan: My god! It can't be! Ray! You're my hero!  
  
Ray: Look of pride on face, thank you. Wanna shoot some hoops with me?  
  
Brendan: Sure.  
  
Ray: Pass the ball to Brendan. He shoots a swish.  
  
Brendan: You're not supposed to say that.  
  
Ray: Whoa great shot.  
  
Brendan just looks annoyed.  
  
Brendan: Wow, it's so great to have met you.  
  
Brendan runs off. The killer comes on.  
  
Ray: Oh no. Start running.  
  
The killer swipes at him. He ducks but he gets one of his curls. The curl falls slowly into his hand.  
  
Ray: Ahhh!  
  
He charges for the killer and knocks him over. He starts punching him. He picks up the knife and holds it up.  
  
Ass: Whoa, Ray calm down. It's one curl.  
  
Ray kicks him and walks off.  
  
Ex: Ray, you can go have a rest to calm down.  
  
Ray goes inside. The killer's is in front of him. Just as Ray starts to go up the stairs the killer turns the corner. In a bedroom we see a closet door open. The killer is in there. Ray hops into the bed and closes his eyes. Fade to black. We fade back close on Ray's face. He wakes up with a start. He feels a basketball on his head.  
  
Ray: What the hell?  
  
He moves up. A curl falls off his head.  
  
Ray: No.  
  
He starts pulling his hair. Many curls come out.  
  
Ray: Oh no. Oh no!  
  
He creeps to the closet. Grabs a beanie and puts it on. The killer appears behind the closet door. Ray screams and shoves the door into the killer. He runs to some stairs, trips and falls quite violently down them. He gets up, a bit sore. He runs outside. The killer falls down the stairs and quickly follows him. Ray hides behind a wall. The killer runs past looking for him.  
  
Ray: Phew.  
  
A ball comes flying at him and just misses his head. Ray runs straight into the killer. The killer grabs him.  
  
Killer: Ha, ha foul!  
  
The killer stabs him in the gut. We cut to Brendan in the bathroom. He is trying to pee. We hear clumps of metal and a relieved look on his face. He is pissing out razor blades. He flushes and steps outside. A huge man is out there. His name is John. The big man holds out his hand. Brendan looks at it. The big man suddenly grab's Brendan's crotch. Brendan's is whimpering and looking very hurt. After a while the man lets go.  
  
Brendan: (High-pitched) What was that for?  
  
John: Your urine infection is gone now boy. Oh, and one of your testicles too.  
  
Brendan looks surprised.  
  
Brendan: Who are you?  
  
John: I'm John Nescafe like the drink but spelled different.  
  
Brendan: What are you?  
  
John: I'll show you. Take my hand boy.  
  
Brendan: But I don't know where it's been.  
  
John: Take it.  
  
He takes his hand he shakes as if in a electric shock he looks like he's in pain. John lets go and shows him his hand. He has an electric buzzer in it.  
  
John: An electric buzzer.  
  
Brendan: Ho, ho.  
  
John: Just a little trick. Oh, oh.  
  
Brendan: Are you okay?  
  
John: Just all the pain and suffering. Ahh!  
  
Black dust spurts out of his mouth for quite a while. We see Brendan's face covered with the black, sticky stuff. He wipes his eyes clean. 


	16. Scene 15: Jen Dies

Scene 15: Jen Dies.  
  
Ass: Ok, and cut. Reshoot in half an hour.  
  
Jen: Guys, what am I meant to do for the next half hour?  
  
Ex: Hang out with Mark.  
  
Jen: He's dead.  
  
Ex: Gwyneth?  
  
Jen: Dead.  
  
Ex: Max, Stephen, Scott?  
  
Jen: Dead, dead, no way!  
  
Ex: Go practice your lines or something.  
  
They leave.  
  
Jen: Thanks! Leave me alone like a helpless victim in a horror movie! Jerks!  
  
The phone rings. She answers it.  
  
Jen: Hello.  
  
Killer: I know you're alone.  
  
Jen: Where are you?  
  
Killer: Closer than you think.  
  
Jen enters the kitchen. The microwave is going off.  
  
Jen: Hey, is somebody cooking something?  
  
Killer: Have you heard the one about the dog in the microwave?  
  
Jen: No.  
  
She slowly opens the door.  
  
Microwave: Thank you for cooking with me, enjoy your meal. Inside we see blood and fur dripping from the roof of the microwave.  
  
Jen: Oh! No! You sick.Hey hang on, I don't have a dog. Whose dog is that?  
  
Killer: Oh.  
  
Cut to the blind guy from the start outside.  
  
Blind guy: Max, where are you boy?  
  
Killer: I'm going to kill you.  
  
Jen hangs up. She walks into a new room. There must be a phone in there. The phone rings. She leaves it. It keeps ringing. She slowly walks to it and picks it up.  
  
Jen: Hello?  
  
Killer: Are you scared? Do you want to die?  
  
Jen: Scared? Show yourself you coward.  
  
The killer appears behind her at a cupboard door.  
  
Killer: My pleasure.  
  
She screams and runs out of the room. We cut to her outside in a driveway.  
  
Jen: Somebody help me!  
  
She notices something.  
  
Jen: Hello?  
  
The bright headlights of a car flash on blinding her. We see the killer is in the car. He revs up the engine. He suddenly slams his foot down and the car goes flying backwards off screen. A crash is heard. The killer comes running covered in smoke and on fire. Jen starts running again. As Jen is running the killer keeps getting closer. We zoom out and see she is on a treadmill. She gets off and continues running. The killer leaps on her. He grabs her by the neck. Cut to Ass talking to a group including Ex, Billy, Brendan and Scott.  
  
Ex: Now I want everyone to scream and shout into the microphone for the background screams for our flashback scene. Let's start.  
  
Back outside.  
  
Jen: Ahhhhhhhrgh! {SAME TIME}Everyone: Ahhhhhhhhhhhrgh!  
  
Jen: Help me! God! {SAME TIME}Everyone: Help me! God!  
  
Jen: I'm getting killed, anyone please help me, I don't want to die.{SAME TIME}Everyone: I'm getting killed, anyone please help me, I don't want to die.  
  
Ex: Nice.  
  
Jen's body collapses. Cut straight to Ass talking.  
  
Ass: I'm sorry to tell you this, but Jen is dead.  
  
Gasps are heard.  
  
Ass: But luckily we have already filmed her death scene.  
  
The time "Phew" is heard.  
  
Ass: And it turns out we have the rights to her corpse so we can you her as an extra!  
  
Cheers, applause and whistles are heard.  
  
Ass: Thank you. Now back to work. Except for Scott who I'd like to see in my office right away.  
  
Everyone leaves. Cut to Scott entering Ass and Ex's office.  
  
Ass: Ah, Scott come in.  
  
Scott: Thank you.  
  
Ex: Now Scott, I think you know why we called you in here.  
  
Scott: Ah no.  
  
Ex: These murders, threatening notes, itchy balls, you have anything to do with them?  
  
Scott: No! What are you implying?  
  
Ass: Nothing.  
  
Scott: I didn't do anything Ass.  
  
Scott leans over on his desk and a mobile phone falls out of his pocket.  
  
Scott: Ah, I can explain that.  
  
Ex: Scott take a seat.  
  
Scott sits down and his chair grabs him. It turns out to be a sheriff under there.  
  
Ass: He's the killer, he's got a mobile phone.  
  
Sheriff: You're coming with me.  
  
Scott: Guys, I didn't do it. You know me.  
  
Ex: Your mobile gave you away Scott.  
  
Cut to the policeman and Scott at a table sipping tea.  
  
Sheriff: Where were you, over the last couple of hours?  
  
Scott: Bad movie studios.  
  
Sheriff: That seems a little suspicious don't you think?  
  
Scott: I work there.  
  
Sheriff: Let me ask you this then, what are you doing with a mobile phone, son?  
  
Scott: What do you mean? Everybody's got one. Why don't you check with the phone company, they got a list of every number dialed.  
  
Sheriff: Good idea. Check phone company and while I do that, you'll spend an hour in prison.  
  
Scott: Oh!  
  
Sheriff: And whatever you do, try not to bend over. At all. Cause, you know.  
  
Makes hand gestures. Scott looks scared. Cut back to BADMOVIE STUDIOS.  
  
Ass: Do you think it was him?  
  
Ex: He was there Ass and he had a mobile phone.  
  
Ass: Yeah.  
  
The phone rings. Ass answers it. Ex is there. Brendan joins them later.  
  
Ass: Hello.  
  
Killer on phone: Hello Ass, poor Scott, an innocent man doesn't stand a chance with you, looks like you've fingered the wrong guy, again.  
  
Ass: I didn't finger anybody! Who are you?  
  
Killer: You'll find out soon enough.  
  
Ex: Who was it?  
  
Ass: I'd be guessing but I'd say a homicidal maniac. Ex: Oh. What he want?  
  
Ass: To kill me - you know the usual.  
  
Brendan: I heard Scott got released from prison.  
  
Ass and Ex: What?  
  
Brendan: His phone bill was clear, he didn't do it, Ass. And anyway it was found on your work record that you don't treat your employees very well.  
  
Ass: What? That's not true!  
  
Ass picks up a baseball bat and starts whacking it on Brendan.  
  
Ass: Take it back! It isn't true!  
  
Cut to Ex walking he suddenly hits someone.  
  
Ex: Ah. Scott!  
  
Scott tries to touch him. Ex pulls back.  
  
Scott: Whoa, wait you thtill don't think it was me do you?  
  
Ex pats him down for weapons.  
  
Ex: No, no, not at all. It's just that someone is trying to kill us. He rang us just a while ago.  
  
Scott: Thee? It couldn't have been me. I wath in jail, remember?  
  
Scott shows Ex a tattoo on his butt cheek. It reads "Hank's stuff".  
  
Ex: I'm sorry. Please understand.  
  
Scott: What? You'd rather call me a killer than touch me?  
  
Ex: That's not true.  
  
Scott: Then what ith it?  
  
Ex: What is it? Scott, it's gone and I can't get it back.  
  
Scott: It's been a year Ecth. When mine left I dealt with it.  
  
Ex: Scott, yours was stolen, mine was given up freely.  
  
Scott: What are we talking about? I'm talking about my mother.  
  
Ex: I'm talking about my virginity!  
  
They both walk away. Cut to Ex is standing alone again, at the top of some stairs. He sees the killer approaching him again. He closes his eyes.  
  
Ex: Go away. You're not real, be gone, you're not really there.  
  
He keeps his eyes closed. He opens them and a hand suddenly taps onto his shoulder.  
  
Ex: Ahh!  
  
Ex falls very violently down the stairs. Ass follows him down.  
  
Ass: You have got to stop doing that. 


	17. Scene 17: Bye Bye Lanny

Scene 17: Bye, bye Lanny.  
  
Cut back to Halloweenie House. Lannibal is alone in the TV room.  
  
TV: Coming up next on the adults only channel "The Boner Collector" the story of.  
  
The doorbell rings. Lannibal stands up and goes to the door.  
  
Lannibal: Who is it?  
  
Census Taker: Census taker. Lannibal opens the door to reveal a teen with a changing voice.  
  
Lannibal: Hello.  
  
Census taker: Are you Mr. Jordan Lair?  
  
Lannibal: No he's in the shower.  
  
Census taker: Oh. You staying here the night too I take it?  
  
Lannibal: Yeah.  
  
Census taker: Then I'd better take your census too.  
  
Lannibal: Sure, Census Taker, come in.  
  
The boy comes in and sits down.  
  
Lannibal: Would you like a cup of tea?  
  
Census taker: Yes thank you.  
  
Lannibal goes into the kitchen and boils some water.  
  
Census taker: Name?  
  
Lannibal: Lannibal Hector, Sir Lannibal Hector. Do you take your tea with sugar?  
  
CT: Yes, one spoon please.  
  
We see Lannibal put a spoon of sugar in. He then grabs a drop bottle and puts a drop of some other drug in.  
  
Lannibal: I hope you like it hot.  
  
He brings the tea over.  
  
CT: Thank you.  
  
CT takes a sip of his tea. He looks at the tea oddly.  
  
CT: What did you put in this?  
  
Lannibal: What do you mean?  
  
CT: This tea, it tastes strange.  
  
Lannibal: Oh. Does it?  
  
CT looks down. CT: Oh dear. Ah, I.  
  
Lannibal: What's wrong?  
  
The table moves up. Lannibal comes next to him and looks down.  
  
Lannibal: Oh god.  
  
We see a large erection in the census taker's pants. Lannibal goes back to the kitchen.  
  
Lannibal: What the hell?  
  
He looks at the bottle. It reads: Liquid Viagra.  
  
Lannibal: Oh, wrong bottle, crap! Oh I'm so sorry, I gave you the wrong tea, let me make you a fresh cup.  
  
Lannibal pours the tea out and makes a fresh cup. He puts the other bottle in this one.  
  
Lannibal: That was I-ah special herbal tea. If you see blue, feel dizzy, wake up dead tomorrow, don't worry they're just side-effects of the tea.  
  
CT: Oh thanks.  
  
He sips the other tea.  
  
Lannibal: Don't you like it?  
  
CT: No, it's fine.  
  
Lannibal: Then drink some more. (He finishes the tea)  
  
Lannibal: Oh! Why isn't it working? Screw it!  
  
Lannibal grabs a cloth from the kitchen, puts the drugs on it and grabs the census taker violently and covers his face with the cloth with drugs on it. Fade to black. Cut back to the census taker tied to a chair at the table.  
  
Lannibal: Hello. How are you feeling?  
  
The CT is now very sweaty and tied up in the chair.  
  
CT: What have you done to me?  
  
Lannibal: Drugged you up. Why? Is that going to be on the census too?  
  
CT: What are you going to do?  
  
Lannibal: Something fun. I'm going to peel back your scalp, cut out a bit of your brain, fry it and feed it to you while you're still alive. CT: Won't that boost this movie up to an R rating?  
  
Lannibal: (Breaking character) Oh yeah, I didn't think of that. Ok. Plan B.  
  
He gets a smaller knife, pulls his pant leg up and cuts out a chunk of flesh.  
  
Lannibal: Open wide.  
  
CT opens wide and Lannibal puts the chunk of flesh in his mouth.  
  
CT: Mmm! That is great! Can I have some more?  
  
Lannibal feeds him another piece.  
  
CT: Mmmm. That is delicious!  
  
Lannibal keeps feeding him.  
  
CT: You are the best cook. Oh man that's good.  
  
Lannibal: Enough, I can't feed you anymore.  
  
CT: Can I take some home?  
  
Lannibal gets a paper bag and puts some leg in it.  
  
Lannibal: There, go home.  
  
CT: Thanks for the meal.  
  
The CT leaves. Jordan comes down the stairs.  
  
Jordan: Who was that?  
  
Lannibal: Some census taker.  
  
Jordan: And who's that?  
  
The killer is standing in the hallway.  
  
Lannibal: Ahh!  
  
He and Jordan run upstairs into an old bedroom. They look downstairs. The killer has gone. Lannibal squats next to the open window but there is a fly screen.  
  
Lannibal: What are we going to do?  
  
Jordan: Ssshh!  
  
Jordan looks at the door. Suddenly a knife comes through the flywire and just misses Lannibal's head. This happens a few times but it always misses. Lannibal doesn't even notice. He gets up.  
  
Lannibal: It's so cold in here.  
  
He closes the window, squashing the killer's arm. The killer screams. Lannibal and Jordan look around in surprise wondering where the noise came from.  
  
Jordan: Where is he?  
  
Lannibal looks out. He looks at Jordan and shrugs his shoulders.  
  
Lannibal: I don't know.  
  
They both slowly move downstairs. Lannibal reaches the front door.  
  
Lannibal: He's gone.  
  
The killer appears behind Lannibal. Jordan's eyes open wide. Lannibal turns around very slowly. He is facing the killer. Suddenly the killer stabs him in the gut.  
  
Lannibal: Oh. Shit!  
  
The killer stabs him again and lifts him up. Lannibal is coughing up lots of blood. We see Jordan with a bucket trying to catch it all. The bucket is half full. Lannibal dies and the killer chucks him onto Jordan. Jordan gets up. The killer is gone.  
  
Jordan: Lannibal, Lannibal.  
  
He slaps Lannibal.  
  
Lannibal: Jordan.  
  
Jordan: Yes.  
  
Lannibal: Eat me.  
  
Jordan: What?  
  
Lannibal: Eat me. raw.  
  
Jordan: I don't know.  
  
Lannibal: Eat me man, I'm nice and tender.  
  
Jordan: Ah.  
  
Lannibal: Don't make me go to waste. Do it for Lanny.  
  
Jordan looks up.  
  
Lannibal: Do it for Lanny, do it for Lanny, do it for Lanny, etc.  
  
Turns out Lannibal is still saying it.  
  
Jordan: Shut up.  
  
He elbows Lannibal in the face. He is now dead. He notices a note and pulls it out of Lannibal's pocket. It reads: MIDNIGHT. We see a clock reads 11:40 or 23:40.  
  
Jordan: Midnight what am I meant to do till then?  
  
Voice over on TV: And just starting "The Boner Collector".  
  
Jordan: Ooo! 


	18. Scene 18: Multiple Dead Personalities

Scene 18: Multiple "Dead" Personalities.  
  
We cut to Ass, Ex and Brendan at BADMOVIE STUDIOS.  
  
Ex: And from there we go to the lounge room where.  
  
Brendan burps.  
  
Brendan: Excuse me, I've got gas.  
  
Suddenly the lights go out.  
  
Ex: All the electricity's off. Must have blown a fuse.  
  
Some noise starts up.  
  
Ass: What is that?  
  
Ex: It's the fax machine! The battery-powered fax-machine.  
  
They rush to the fax machine. Billy and Scott are there. Ass has the paper in his hand. Ass turns on a torch to read it.  
  
Ass: Scene 18. All of them were huddled together in the room with the lights cut off.  
  
Ex: He's rewriting the script!  
  
Ass: The group stood there scared looking around, not knowing what to do.  
  
Billy: He's in here.  
  
They all rush outside screaming.  
  
Brendan: Wait, what if he's trying to trick us and he's really out here.  
  
They rush back inside screaming.  
  
Ex: But what if he's tricking us to think he's tricking us and he is really in here.  
  
They rush back outside screaming.  
  
Ass: Wait, what if he's.  
  
Brendan: Let's just stay in one spot okay.  
  
Ass: Fine I'm staying outside.  
  
Ex: Me too.  
  
Brendan: Fine.  
  
Ass, Ex and Scott stay outside. Another fax starts to come through.  
  
Brendan: Hey another one. (Reading) Brendan and Billy the only two left inside were scared but reassured by the fear of each other. What they didn't know was that only one of them would live.  
  
Billy: Oh. Finish it.  
  
Brendan: The one who survives is the first to.  
  
The torch dies.  
  
Brendan: Dammit, it's dead.  
  
Billy: I'll try to light a match.  
  
Billy starts trying to light a match.  
  
Brendan still tries to read it.  
  
Brendan: I think I can just make it out. is the first to smell the.first to smell the (Head up, shocked look The paper reads GAS) Don't!  
  
Billy lights the match. Brendan farts. There is an explosion. Ass and Ex jump away. They get back up. Ass pats the house.  
  
Ass: Well, at least no one's hurt. Oh except him.  
  
Brendan: Billy!  
  
Where Billy was standing is now a pile of ashes.  
  
Brendan: Billy!  
  
Ex: Don't worry Brendan, we'll do something special with his ashes.  
  
Ex puts a piece of paper under the ashes and rolls it up. Cut to Ass, Ex and Brendan sitting outside smoking. Ass inhales.  
  
Ass: That's good Billy.  
  
Ex and Brendan: Yeah.  
  
Cut to the door. Brendan steps on his cigarette and they enter. Ex looks at his watch.  
  
Ex: Ten to twelve crap, we'd better finish filming. Okay Brendan this is your solo scene, you're alone and we need to see some true emotion. You think you can do that?  
  
Brendan: Yeah. I'm an actor aren't I?  
  
Ex: You sure are. And on three. 1,2,3 and action.  
  
Brendan enters a room.  
  
Brendan: Anybody here?  
  
Brendan looks around and then sits down. The killer bursts up behind Ex.  
  
Ex: Hey, what are you doing, not yet.  
  
The killer pushes over Ex and stabs Scott. He then goes after Brendan.  
  
Brendan: Come on, you wanna fight me.  
  
Brendan punches him. The killer pulls out a knife. Brendan swaps personalities.  
  
Leeroy: Yo dressing up as a black man is racist. You damn whigger.  
  
He starts running away. He swaps again. He is now Fitzroy. He is jigging while running. He swaps again. He is now the personality that can't feel pain.  
  
PCFP (Personality that can't feel pain): You want me? You want me!  
  
He turns around. The killer stabs him.  
  
PCFP: Ha, ha, I feel nothing. (He swaps again. He is Brendan)  
  
Brendan: Oh.  
  
He tries to punch him. But is too slow. He swaps personalities.  
  
Leeroy: Crazy ass foo'. He swaps. As Fitzroy, he starts to jig slowly, he collapses. He changes.  
  
PCFP: Come on you wuss, stab me, STAB ME, I can't feel it! I feel no pain.  
  
The killer raises his knife. He changes to Brendan.  
  
Brendan: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!  
  
The killer stabs him. He changes through all the personalities hair styles. Ass and Ex come running.  
  
Ex: Maybe we shouldn't have stopped at the fridge.  
  
Ass: Hmmm. Maybe.  
  
They both take a sip of their Mountain Dews.  
  
Ass: Oh my god. Brendan's dead, Scott's dead, we're all alone. (Evilly) You wanna play the banana game?  
  
Ex: No, not real.  
  
Ass: Come on, it'll be fun. I'll get the banana You get the duct-tape.  
  
Ex looks worried, Ass looks crazy. Ass rushes off. We see a clock that reads: 11:55. 


	19. Scene 19: The Finale

Scene 19: The Finale  
  
Ex shakes his head and turns around. The killer is standing right in front of him. Ex thinks it his imagination again. He closes his eyes for a good while and the camera close-ups on his closed eyes. He opens them. The killer is no longer in front of him.  
  
Ex: Oh. Thank god. Phew.  
  
The camera turns around to face Ex. It turns out the killer had hidden behind Ex. The killer raises his knife and shoves it into Ex's back. Cut to Halloweenie House. Jordan is still sitting in front of the television but he is fast asleep. He suddenly wakes up. He looks up at his watch and it reads: 11:59. He panics and rushes into the hallway. He doesn't know where to run. The door handle of the front door starts moving and Jordan runs upstairs. He runs into a room and closes the door, he barricades the door with a bed. He is very scared. The door is pushed slightly open and the killer is waving his knife through the small crack the door makes.  
  
Jordan: No!  
  
Jordan opens the window and stands on the ledge. He prepares to jump the long way down. The killer pushes the bed away and grabs Jordan's hands. He throws him off the ledge.  
  
Jordan: Nooooooooooo! Jordan lands about a metre down.  
  
Jordan: Oh.  
  
He runs around to the front door. It is wide open and Jordan can see the phone. He decides to take a chance and run for it. He dials 000 and puts the receiver to his ear. Heavy breathing is heard.  
  
Jordan: Hello?  
  
Killer: Hello Jordan.  
  
Jordan goes to run. The killer pulls out a gun.  
  
Killer: You're not going anywhere.  
  
Cut back to BADMOVIE STUDIOS. Ass is walking around holding some bananas.  
  
Ass: (shouting) Ex, I've started without you.  
  
The front door at the other end of the hallway slowly opens.  
  
Ass: Oh Ex, where've you been? Ex?  
  
The killer steps in.  
  
Ass: Oh my god! Ahhhh!  
  
Ass runs down the stairs and past a window. Outside the window is a man holding up a sign reading "Hi Mum"! on it. Ass closes the curtains and runs out the side-door onto the balcony. He runs down the balcony stair and spots Rebecca still lying dead on the ground.  
  
Ass: Oh my god. He killed her.  
  
The killer is on the balcony. Ass runs up his driveway. He gets to the top where he was with Ex, Rebecca and Stephen earlier. He looks both ways trying to decide where to run. A skateboard falls from the sky and hits Ass on the head. He falls down but quickly gets back up. He runs down the street. The killer gets to the top of the driveway and slips on the skateboard and falls over. Ass runs towards a house. It is Halloweenie House. He bursts through the front door and sees Jordan with the killer grabbing him around the throat.  
  
Ass: Oh. Out of all the houses I had to choose from.  
  
The other killer comes from behind Ass and holds a knife to his throat. Ass whimpers.  
  
Killer with Jordan: Hey, you made it.  
  
Killer with Ass: Sorry I'm late, this guy made me run up the steepest driveway. Killer with Jordan: (Sarcastic) What he tired you out?  
  
Killer with Ass: Shut up.  
  
Jordan: Let me go.  
  
Killer with Jordan: Oh Jordan (he runs the knife down Jordan's face) You always were the brave one.  
  
Jordan: Who the hell are you?  
  
The killer with Jordan slowly takes off his mask. He reveals himself to be John.  
  
Jordan: John! But you were dead.  
  
John: Pretending to be dead. It's the cool thing to do these days.  
  
Jordan: Why are you doing this?  
  
John: Why? Why! Isn't it obvious, Jordan! Nobody laughed at my jokes!  
  
Jordan: Because they weren't funny.  
  
John: Oh, you're death suddenly got slower and more painful. You see having nobody laugh at your jokes can have serious effects on someone as emotional sensitive as me. It can make them become, what's the word I'm looking for?  
  
Jordan: Fucked up?  
  
John: Yes! No! Psychopathic. And Jordan you were the worst of them all. You didn't just not laugh at my jokes, you made fun of me.  
  
Jordan: You're never gonna get away with this.  
  
John: Who said anything about trying to get away with it? I'm planning to get caught, I'm gonna take it all the way to the trial!  
  
Jordan: Dude, seriously you are such an idiot.  
  
John: You see Jordan I'm gonna blame the movies. I'm going to plan my whole defense on being influenced by film. It's genius! See Jordan, this entire murder spree was based on parodying movies. I killed Eddy like in Scary Movie, I killed Phoebe like in Charlie's Angels and Lannibal's death was from H20.  
  
Jordan: You planned it all out.  
  
John: Yep, it was easy. Watch a couple a movies, take some notes, it was fun. And now Jordan, I'm gonna kill you.  
  
John holds the knife to Jordan's head. Suddenly a gun shot is heard and John collapses. We see the other killer is holding the gun. The other killer takes off his mask revealing Scott as the killer.  
  
Scott: He was a good kid, but his idea of blaming the movies, like that would work.  
  
Jordan: Oh my god! Lannibal!  
  
Ass: Mark?  
  
Scott: What? No, I'm Scott.  
  
Ass: Oh.  
  
Jordan: You and Lannibal must just look similar.  
  
Ass: But Scott, you have a lisp.  
  
Scott: I did have a lisp, but I went to a speech therapist.  
  
Ass: And he cured your lisp.  
  
Scott: No actually he couldn't, so I killed him. But the next speech therapist I went to was really nice and she did manage to cure me. And then I killed her too.  
  
Ass: But Scott.  
  
Suddenly John gets up.  
  
John: Hey!  
  
Scott: Oh John, I thought you were dead.  
  
John: You dick, why'd you shoot me?  
  
Scott: Because I don't think the blame it on the movies idea is gonna work out. I think we should go with my idea.  
  
John: Ok. I forgive you then. Put it there.  
  
He holds out his hand. Scott puts his hand on John's hand.  
  
John: I meant the gun you idiot. You can't be trusted with it.  
  
Scott hands him the gun.  
  
Ass: We know John's motive, what's yours Scott?  
  
Scott: You hear that John, I think he wants a motive.  
  
Ass: Yeah, I made that pretty obvious.  
  
Scott: Well I was going to show you my motive with a slide-show, but somebody forgot the projector!  
  
John: I said I was sorry.  
  
Scott: So I guess I'll just have to tell you. About a year ago, me, my mum, my dad we were taking a walk down the street at night. When suddenly a car came out of no where and hit my dad. My mum and I hid and watched as the people in the car, came out and put my father in the boot and then drove off. My mum then started to chase after them, but they backed up and ran over her too! I tried to make a run for it, but then they also hit me. When I woke up I was in the boot of a car, I could hear the two men talking about dumping the bodies so I quickly sneaked out of the car and hid behind a tree. I watched as my mother and father were thrown into the creek and the two men just drove away. Soon after, I decided to get revenge, I applied for the job of prompter at your movie studio and I was hired on the spot because of my speech impediment.  
  
Ass: Yep, you gotta love that lisp.  
  
Scott: I planned everything, I went over every detail for a whole year about how I was going to wreck your movie by killing everyone that had anything to do with it and then kill you.  
  
Jordan: So, what you're saying is that he killed your parents and now your getting revenge by killing him?  
  
Scott: Yes.  
  
Jordan: Then why couldn't you have just said that, instead of that long, boring-ass speech.  
  
Scott: I have to make sure Ass understood exactly how much pain he put me through.  
  
Ass: Scott, it was an accident.  
  
Scott: Accident or not, you killed my parents.  
  
Suddenly the door bursts open and Ex comes walking in slowly.  
  
Ass: Ex! You have a knife in your back!  
  
Ex looks at his back.  
  
Ex: Oh yeah.  
  
Ex collapses dead.  
  
Ass: You're not going to get away with this. Scott: Oh I think we will. Bring 'em in John.  
  
John goes outside and brings in Mrs. Doubtfrank and Frank, tied up and gagged.  
  
Jordan: You're gonna frame my step-dad and that really ugly woman who I thought was my step-dad dressing up?  
  
Scott: Yes and me and John will be the only survivors of these serial killers. I will be the most famous serial killer to have never been known. Scott Doubtfrank.  
  
Jordan: Did you say Doubtfrank? That's Mrs. Doubtfrank.  
  
Scott un-gags Mrs. Doubtfrank.  
  
Scott: Mum?  
  
Mrs. Doubtfrank: Little Scotty, it's you.  
  
Scott: Mum, you're alive!  
  
Mrs. Doubtfrank: And so is your father, he's right next to me.  
  
Scott ungags Frank.  
  
Scott and Jordan: Dad?  
  
Frank: Yes Scott, it's me.  
  
Scott: Oh mum, dad. I can't believe you're alive.  
  
Ass: Ok, so did I actually kill anyone?  
  
Suddenly two gun-shots are heard and Frank and Mrs. Doubtfrank are both shot dead. We see it was John who shot them. John quickly passes the gun to Jordan.  
  
John: Oh my god! He killed them!  
  
Scott looks at Jordan angrily.  
  
Jordan: What? I did not you liar, he did! Oh wait, hey, I've got the gun.  
  
He holds out the gun at Scott and John.  
  
John: Jordan, you couldn't kill us. You're not a killer, that's my job.  
  
Scott: And mine.  
  
John: And his.  
  
Scott: You can't do it, can you? He can't do it. Jordan: Like hell I can't!  
  
Jordan holds the gun at John and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. John starts laughing.  
  
John: Oh man that was priceless. He had the look. He thought he was going to save the day!  
  
Scott also starts laughing.  
  
Scott (mockingly): Like hell I can't!  
  
The front door bursts open and a girl comes walking in.  
  
Girl: Hey mum, I brought a cheese-cake. Oh is this 26 Carpenter Drive?  
  
Scott: No that's three blocks down.  
  
Girl: Oh, ok, thanks.  
  
She closes the door behind her. We see Ass reach into a cupboard and reach for something. He pulls out an axe. John walks over to him.  
  
John: What are you doing?  
  
Ass swings the axe at him and chops off his head. It rolls away.  
  
Scott: John! Are you alright?  
  
John's body feels around for his head. He picks it up and puts it back on.  
  
John: I'm fine.  
  
He walks towards Ass.  
  
John: You really shouldn't have done that!  
  
Scott: Ah, John we've got a problem.  
  
John: What!  
  
Scott: Where's the other one gone?  
  
John looks around.  
  
John: Go find him!  
  
Scott runs into the dining room and looks around. He hears a cough and he slowly opens a cupboard. Jordan comes running from behind him and tries to stab him with an umbrella. Scott: An umbrella? Now come on, do you really expect that to do anything?  
  
Scott pushes Jordan down onto the TV room floor. Scott then jumps on top of him.  
  
Scott: I always had a thing for you Jordan!  
  
He starts strangling Jordan. Jordan feels around on the table. He misses the knife, the brick and the pot-plant. He grabs a banana and shoves it on Scott's head.  
  
Scott: Oh, you got banana in my hair!  
  
Jordan jumps up and pushes the TV onto Scott's head.  
  
Scott: Ow!  
  
Jordan looks down at Scott's body.  
  
Jordan: You're dead.  
  
The TV on Scott's head turns on and Scott's face is on the screen. He stands up.  
  
Scott: Not quite.  
  
Scott starts trying to pull the TV off his head. John comes running in holding Ass.  
  
John: Scott, are you okay?  
  
Scott: I just can't get this damn thing off my HEAD! (He accidentally turns up the volume on the TV as he tries to pull it off his head)  
  
He keeps trying to pull it off. We see he pressed the mute button and he tries to talk. Then we see him swearing in mute. He finally pulls the TV off his head.  
  
Scott: Oh, I felt like such an idiot with that box on my head!  
  
He grabs Jordan by the neck.  
  
John: Now you are going to pay!  
  
They all walk back to the hallway. John slits Ass's arm and Ass falls to the ground in pain. Scott gives Jordan to John to hold. He backs up and then runs towards Jordan with the knife. At the last second Jordan moves out of the way and Scott accidentally stabs John.  
  
Scott: Oh no! John!  
  
He kneels beside John.  
  
John: Scott.  
  
Scott: Yes.  
  
John: I hate you so much.  
  
John dies. Scott gets up and stabs Jordan. Ass kicks him and Scott falls outside. We see Ass go into a cupboard. He comes towards the door. Ass stands at the door.  
  
Ass: Come and get me.  
  
Scott stands up and runs towards Ass with his knife. Ass suddenly reveals he is holding a chain-saw and he starts it up and shoves it into Scott's stomach. Blood spurts everywhere. Scott is dead. Ass just stands outside for a while holding the chainsaw and trying to take in everything that's happened. Jordan staggers over to him, holding his stab wound. He comes up behind Ass.  
  
Jordan: We made it.  
  
Ass turns around to see Jordan and accidentally brings the chainsaw with him. The chainsaw goes into Jordan and blood again spurts everywhere. Jordan is dead. We zoom out and Ass looks around at all the dead bodies surrounding him. A police siren is heard. Ass puts the chainsaw down and runs away.  
  
THE END.  
  
Credit: Written by Martin Kick 


	20. Scene 20 and 21

Scene 20: Stephen Survives  
  
Back at BADMOVIE STUDIOS. We see two men burst open the front door. They run to someone lying on the floor. They start shaking him awake.  
  
Man 1: Son, son.  
  
The man wakes up.  
  
Man 1: We have to get you to a hospital, you've lost a lot of blood.  
  
The other man walks over.  
  
Man 2: He's the only one.  
  
Man 1: You're lucky to have survived, everyone else is dead.  
  
We see the man who survived is Stephen Bradley.  
  
Stephen: I survived? I'm not dead?  
  
Man 2: Yep, you're going to be okay.  
  
We cut to an outside shot of the studios. We hear Stephen scream very loudly. More credits: Starring, Director, Producer, Editor, Music Listing and Copyright details.  
  
Scene 21: Sharing out the Goods  
  
Back at Daniel's house, Norman and Michael are in Daniel's bedroom.  
  
Norman: So you get the TV, I get the computer, you get the bike and I get the stereo and the Playstation.  
  
Michael: Okay.  
  
They start to leave.  
  
Michael: Wait, what about the bodies?  
  
We see Daniel's dead body still dead on the bed. Norman looks around.  
  
Norman: Fuck 'em.  
  
They both leave through the window.  
  
THE END 


End file.
